童話不現(xiàn)實(shí)，真愛更美好

文/陳麗安（音） 譯/朱哲 審訂/趙剛

童話不現(xiàn)實(shí)，真愛更美好

文/陳麗安（音） 譯/朱哲 審訂/趙剛

“You cannot live with expectations because life has no obligation to fulfill your desires. You can live with an open heart, but you cannot live with expectations.” —Osho1

“你不能生活在期待中，因?yàn)樯顩]有義務(wù)去實(shí)現(xiàn)你的愿望。你可以敞開心扉去生活，但卻不能生活在期待中。” ——奧紹

Will you marry me?

These four life-changing words have been haunting2haunt縈繞（在某人的）心頭。me for a while.Like many other girls in long-term relationships， I waited anxiously for the day I’d get to say yes. But does anyone really know what they’re saying yes to?

[2] When you’re in your late twenties，it seems your entire network of friends and acquaintances pair up3pair up配對，使成搭檔（常和with連用）。， some in a desperate frenzy4in a frenzy瘋狂的，狂暴的。to not end up alone.And not a beat too late5not a beat too late來得及，一點(diǎn)不晚。仿自not a bit too late。， Facebook obnoxiously6obnoxiously討厭地，可憎地。fills your smartphone with photos of rings， babies， and every wedding-related detail you never cared to know.

[3] You’d like to just stop checking.But you can’t. You feel happy for some.But for others， you wonder why they’re getting a fairy tale ending and you’re not. Well， they’re not either.

[4] Fairy tale endings don’t exist. At least not in the way we think. And a wedding certainly doesn’t mean anyone is “ending up” anywhere.

[5] My husband’s appendix7appendix闌尾。burst one year before our wedding. It was a long，paranoia-filled8paranoia-filled充滿疑慮（恐懼）的。recovery， but we got through it.

[6] Then my grandmother passed away. Then we lost a battle with a poison sumac9sumac漆樹。bush. Our basement bathroom fl ooded with dirty toilet water a few weeks after we moved in. We fought. Intensely.

[7] Two weeks before our wedding，my husband had to get a second surgery for his appendix because it had miraculously grown back and gotten itself infected again.

The doctors were just as shocked as we were. Apparently， they never took the appendix out the fi rst time because they simply couldn’t fi nd it， assuming it had exploded. They found it this time.

[8] I was grateful that we were getting through all the hard stuff before the wedding. I was grateful we’d still get our happy ending even if he wasn’t able to dance at the reception. The Universe would surely give us a break10give sb a break饒了某人，放某人一馬。此處可理解為“眷顧某人，賜予某人幸?！?。after the wedding， I thought. I was terribly mistaken.

[9] After we got married， there were suddenly a million things I wanted to change about my husband. The way he dealt with problems， the way he made empty promises to do chores， the way he spent his time， the way he slept， the way he ate， the way he breathed.

[10] I didn’t really understand it because I had known him for over five years already. I knew who I was marrying. And after all that had happened， you’d think I wouldn’t care so much about the small stuff. But I cared. A lot.

[11] The aftermath of the second surgery was still taunting11taunt嘲弄，捉弄。us and I was tired of being supportive. This was not what I imagined married life to be.

[12] My expectations of marriage were drowning me in disappointment.I’d become one of those women who want to “fix” their husbands. It was making both of us miserable.

[13] It occurred to me that I was feeling this way because I was scared out of my mind. How did I end up with someone who leaves dirty laundry lying around? How did I end up with someone who does dishes differently than I do? How did I end up with someone who can’t read my mind?

[14] I was panicking because I thought this was it. This is where my story ends and I haven’t figured everything out yet. I began to imagine having the same fights in twenty or thirty years. I couldn’t accept it.

[15] The thing is， your story doesn’t end when you get married， nor does it begin. It continues just as your life has always continued.

[16] Some people have this terribly skewed12skewed曲解的，歪曲的。idea of what it’s like to be married. As though they’ll fi nally have made it. As though they’ll cross this river of success and will happily enjoy adulthood on the other side.

[17] Marriage is by no means an answer to any of life’s questions. It does not equate to happiness. It does not mean you’ve made it.

[18] It’s one of the oldest and most difficult institutions13institution制度，習(xí)俗，慣例。to understand in the world. And it will only thrive when you stop having expectations society has given you， expectations you didn’t even know you had until they come out one day in a terribly ugly display of disappointment.

[19] I’ve only now begun to realize that this isn’t “it.”

Being a wife doesn’t define14define劃界；勾勒形狀。me.Being a husband certainly doesn’t define him. We’re still two people feeling our way through life， just as we were when we fi rst met. But we’ve decided to put on paper15put … on paper寫在紙上。此處可理解為“簽署承諾”。that we’d do it together. That’s all it is.

[20] In the same way people say that you’re never really ready for a baby，you’re never really ready for marriage either. And it’s not because you don’t love the person or don’t enjoy their company.

It’s not because you don’t feel joy at the idea of spending every day and night with them doing everything you’ve ever wanted to do， as though you’re on an extended vacation together that’s going to last forever and ever.

It’s not because you didn’t mean it when you promised in front of everyone to be with this person in sickness and in health for as long as you both shall live.

[21] It’s all very sweet and romantic to think about when you’re in love with someone. But marriage isn’t about being with someone you’re madly in love with because you happen to only see their best traits.[22] Marriage is about being with a person who is as complex and imperfect as you are， and accepting them for it.

Marriage is about being with someone whose ability to bring out both the best and worst in you brings you to your knees16bring to one’s knees使屈服。.

[23] Marriage is humbling17humbling謙卑的，自慚形穢的。. It’s scary.It’s messy. It’s unpredictable18unpredictable不可預(yù)知的。. And for those who fi gure out how to make it work through all the adversities19adversity逆境，不幸。you will find yourselves in， marriage becomes a testament20testament證明。of truth and of love. At least that’s what I’m hoping for. ■

你愿意嫁給我嗎？這段時(shí)間，這幾個(gè)能夠改變?nèi)松淖盅垡恢笨M繞在我的心頭。和許多經(jīng)歷了戀愛長跑的女孩一樣，我渴望說“我愿意”的這一天早點(diǎn)到來。但是，有人真正知道“我愿意”這句話意味著什么嗎？

[2]當(dāng)你年近三十，似乎身邊所有的朋友和熟人都已成雙成對，有些人為了“脫單”，甚至到了癲狂的地步?？蓯旱氖?，臉書也不失時(shí)機(jī)地使你的智能手機(jī)里充斥著婚戒、寶貝和婚禮中的每個(gè)細(xì)節(jié)，而這一切，你以前一點(diǎn)兒也不在乎。

[3]你不想去看那些照片，但卻無法做到。你替有些人感到高興，但對另外一些人，你不明白為何他們能獲得童話般美好的愛情結(jié)局，而你卻不能。其實(shí)，這些人的愛情也并非如此美好。

[4]童話般美好的愛情結(jié)局并不存在，至少并非如我們所想象的那樣?；槎Y絕不意味著誰獲得什么“結(jié)局”。

[5]我們舉行婚禮的一年前，丈夫的闌尾突然破裂。康復(fù)過程漫長，讓人無助和恐懼，但我們最終還是挺過來了。

[6]緊接著我祖母過世了。后來我們又漆樹中毒，苦不堪言。搬進(jìn)新居幾個(gè)星期后，地下室衛(wèi)生間又被馬桶溢出的臟水淹沒。我們迎難而上，苦苦抗?fàn)帯?/p>

[7]婚禮的兩周前，丈夫不得不第二次進(jìn)行手術(shù)，因?yàn)樗年@尾竟然奇跡般地長回來了，并再次感染。

醫(yī)生和我們同樣震驚。顯然，第一次手術(shù)時(shí)闌尾并未被摘除，因?yàn)槭聦?shí)上醫(yī)生根本就沒有找到闌尾，以為闌尾已經(jīng)爆裂。這次，闌尾找到了。

[8]我當(dāng)時(shí)很感激，感激結(jié)婚前我們能夠患難與共；我很感激，即使丈夫不能在婚禮上與我共舞，我們?nèi)詫⑿腋＝K生。我以為，婚后老天爺肯定會(huì)讓我們過上一段平靜的生活。但是我大錯(cuò)特錯(cuò)了。

[9]婚后，我突然發(fā)現(xiàn)，丈夫有無數(shù)地方需要改變：他處理問題的方式、對待家務(wù)活兒只說不做的習(xí)慣、消磨時(shí)間的方式、睡覺的方式、吃飯的習(xí)慣、呼吸的方式，等等。

[10]我真的無法理解這一切，因?yàn)槲艺J(rèn)識(shí)他已五年有余，我知道我嫁的是什么人。而且，經(jīng)歷了那么多后，你可能認(rèn)為我不會(huì)在意這些雞毛蒜皮的小事。然而我在意，非常在意！

[11]丈夫第二次手術(shù)后，我們的生活仍受影響，我對這種照顧人的生活感到了厭倦。這與我想象中的婚姻生活迥然不同。

[12]對婚姻的期待正將我淹沒在失望的潮水之中。我已經(jīng)淪為一個(gè)想“修理”丈夫的女人。這使我倆都痛苦不堪。

[13]我突然意識(shí)到，之所以有這種感覺，是因?yàn)槲腋械綐O度恐懼。我怎么能和一個(gè)把臟衣服到處亂扔的人共度余生呢？怎么能和一個(gè)洗碗刷鍋都與我不同的人白頭偕老呢？怎么能和一個(gè)讀不懂我心思的人攜手一生呢？

[14]我感到惶恐，因?yàn)樾南胧乱阎链耍瑹o可挽回了。我的故事就此結(jié)束，但我還未能把這一切想明白。我開始想象，未來二三十年，我都得為這些事與丈夫爭吵。這種生活我無法接受。

[15]問題在于，你的故事并不以結(jié)婚為終點(diǎn)，也不以結(jié)婚為起點(diǎn)。它就像你一直以來的生活一樣，總還是要繼續(xù)。

[16]有些人對婚姻的理解嚴(yán)重扭曲，仿佛他們終將成為婚姻中的贏家，跨越成功之河，在彼岸安享成人之樂。

[17]婚姻絕不可能為生活中的任何問題提供答案。婚姻不等于幸福，也不意味著你已取得成功。

[18]婚姻是世界上最古老、最難理解的制度之一。只有當(dāng)你擺脫了社會(huì)給予你的對婚姻的期待，婚姻才會(huì)健康延續(xù)。對婚姻的這些期待，你甚至并不自知，直到有朝一日，它們以極端丑陋的方式令人失望地顯現(xiàn)時(shí)，你才會(huì)意識(shí)到它的存在。

[19]直到現(xiàn)在，我才開始認(rèn)識(shí)到，我的婚姻和“想象的婚姻”并不是一回事。

為人妻并未對我有任何限定，為人夫當(dāng)然對丈夫也無任何限定。我們?nèi)韵癯醮蜗嘧R(shí)時(shí)那樣，是兩個(gè)人，兩個(gè)在生活中摸索前行的人。但我們已然決定，在紙上簽署承諾，共度余生。僅此而已。

[20]正如有人會(huì)說，你永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)真正做好準(zhǔn)備要個(gè)孩子，你也永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)真正準(zhǔn)備好結(jié)婚成家。這并非因?yàn)槟悴粣蹖Ψ?，或覺得與其相處了然無趣。

并非因?yàn)槟悴幌矚g和愛人日夜廝守，同做所有想做之事，仿佛共度綿延無期的長假。

并非因?yàn)槟阈目诓灰?，不愿兌現(xiàn)當(dāng)初在眾人面前許下的承諾，即今生今世無論疾病與健康都不離不棄。

[21]墜入愛河時(shí)，一切都是那么甜蜜、浪漫。但婚姻卻并不意味著要與瘋狂相戀的人在一起，因?yàn)槟闩銮煽吹降亩际菍Ψ阶畲蟮膬?yōu)點(diǎn)。

[22]婚姻是指和那個(gè)與你一樣復(fù)雜而且并不完美的人在一起生活，并接受這些。

婚姻是指與某個(gè)人相處：這個(gè)人既能挖掘出你身上最好的一面，也能讓你身上最差的一面暴露無遺，從而令你屈服。

[23]婚姻讓人謙卑，令人恐懼?；橐鰺o序可循，無法預(yù)測。對于那些經(jīng)歷過婚姻中各種磨礪并總結(jié)出婚姻成功之道的人來說，婚姻便是真理與愛情的證明。至少這是我所希望的。 □

（譯者單位：中國礦業(yè)大學(xué)外國語學(xué)院）

Fairy Tale Endings Don’t Exist,but Real Love Can Be Better

By LiAnn Chen

1（1931—1990），原名阿恰里亞·拉杰尼希，印度神秘主義宗教領(lǐng)袖，拉杰尼希運(yùn)動(dòng)（Rajneesh movement）的創(chuàng)始人。