“浪子”回頭

by Aaron Polhamus

Being named a 1）Rhodes Scholar is perhaps the highest honor an American college student can receive. Which is why， as I began filling out my Rhodes application last year， I half wondered if I was crazy. I spent the better part of my early teens hanging out on the streets of 2）Bellingham， Washington， where it never seemed to stop raining. And I topped the year off by getting arrested for 3）vandalism. Technically， when I began filling out the Rhodes application， I had a criminal record. But like I said before， I only half believed I was crazy. Want to know why？ Stay with me…

My parents fought a lot， and the more they did the more trouble I got into at school. We were a 4）churchgoing family， but that didnt stop Mom and Dads marriage from 5）fraying. The only place I got the kind of attention I wanted was at school. But I got it by 6）mouthing off to teachers and joking around in class. I gravitated to a group of guys like me. Wed spend all day wandering the streets， scoring beer， and smoking cigarettes.

獲得羅氏獎(jiǎng)學(xué)金或許是美國大學(xué)生能夠取得的最大殊榮。這就是為什么去年我在填寫羅氏獎(jiǎng)學(xué)金申請(qǐng)表之始，懷疑自己是否瘋了。我青少年的大半時(shí)間都是在華盛頓貝靈翰姆的街頭上度過的，這里常年下雨。畢業(yè)那年我因?yàn)楣室馄茐墓锒痪辛?。理論上講，在填寫羅氏獎(jiǎng)學(xué)金申請(qǐng)時(shí)我是有案底的人。但是，就像我之前說的，我對(duì)自己是否瘋了半信半疑。想知道為何嗎？和我一起去看看吧……

我父母親經(jīng)常吵架，他們吵得越多，我在學(xué)校的表現(xiàn)就越差。我們家是信教的，但父母親的婚姻還是照樣矛盾不斷。學(xué)校是我唯一能夠得到自己想要的關(guān)注的地方。但是，我是通過和老師頂嘴以及在班上嬉鬧玩耍而得到的。我漸漸地向一群跟我類似的人靠攏。我們會(huì)整天在街上游蕩，賒酒豪飲，抽煙。

By eighth grade my crowd had graduated to vandalism. One night in May I 7）snuck out with a friend and used a red permanent marker to write the names of teachers I hated on the school gym walls. The next day I was called into the principals office. My mom was there. “Aaron Polhamus，” the officer said levelly， “Im placing you under arrest for 8）malicious mischief and vandalism.” Mom burst into tears. We stayed long enough to hear the principal say I was being expelled. Then we were walking out to the car.“Oh， Aaron，” Mom sobbed， “what am I going to do？” As we drove home， I stared out the window， feeling ashamed.

I was immediately grounded. Mom and Dad fought even more. I decided to lay low， mowing lawns for money and holing up in my room. For some reason—maybe the attention I got there， or the youth pastor？—I started attending youth group meetings at my parents church （they had long ago stopped battling me to go on Sundays）. The meetings didnt really turn me around. But I kept going.

That fall I enrolled in Options High School， a local alternative education program for at-risk youth in downtown Bellingham. On my first day， I saw five 9）squat portable buildings slick with Northwest rain. Students milled around， body piercings and gang colors. These are my kind of people， I thought， trying to convince myself that this was the life I wanted. My first class was science. The teacher was Robert LaRiviere. The dozen students before him were a 10）motley bunch.

But he acted like we were the most mature scholars he had ever taught. He smiled and cracked a few jokes， then immediately drew us into an intense discussion. “If theres one thing I want you to learn in this class，” he said， “its how to use your brains. Youre smart kids.” The class ended and I realized that I hadnt once thought about mouthing off. Every day I rode the bus to Options， 11）hunched in my seat. One morning I happened to look out the window. As usual， it was raining. I looked closer. How come Id never noticed how pretty the world was in the rain？ Drops streaked across the window. I took my headphones off and heard a whole different kind of music； the soft patter of rain on the roof， the sigh of brakes， murmuring conversations， laughter…The world is a fascinating place. Mr. LaRiviere sure was right about that. But was he right about me being a smart kid？ What else had I been closing myself off from？ I thought about Mom sobbing the day of my arrest， Dad storming around. Had I ever tried to get to know them beyond that？ Was my main goal in life really to get attention and get high？ Usually， whenever the youth group prayed， I 12）zoned out. That morning I looked out at the rain coming down and tried an awkward prayer of my own： God， if you really exist， help me figure out who I am. Who was I？ At first the answers were painful—I was a kid on the wrong path， digging myself deeper and deeper.

The following fall， by eleventh grade I was attending Bellingham High part-time while simultaneously completing an associates degree at a community college. After graduation I enrolled at Western Washington University in Bellingham. One evening， coming home from class， I found Dad sitting by himself. Dad and I smalltalked for a minute. “Aaron，” he said， “Your transformation these past couple years—well， it seems like a miracle to me. But I know its your hard work. And I want you to know that Im really proud of you.” For a minute those words hung in the air between us. And then it was like they pushed open a door. We talked for hours， saying all the things we had kept back.

After two years at Western Washington， I transferred to Stanford University in California. It was there that I heard about the Rhodes scholarship. At first I assumed something so prestigious was out of my reach. But then a passage from the application caught my eye：“Proven intellectual and academic achievement is the first quality required of applicants， but they will also be required to show integrity of character and interest in and respect for their fellow beings.” Integrity. Interest. Respect. Did that include improbable comebacks？

A few months later I sat before an interview panel of former Rhodes scholars. “Were fascinated by your background，” they said. “But were wondering， do you ever feel like youre fooling everyone and youre still that kid from Options？” I took a deep breath and told them the truth. “Actually， ever since I left Options， Ive felt like I had to prove myself. But just being here taking questions from you is a huge affirmation. I can honestly say I know who I am. And Ill know it no matter what happens with this scholarship.” I guess that was the right answer. This fall Im studying at Worcester College， Oxford， one of the most beautiful and historic places to learn in the world. Of course， it rains a lot over here too. But by now， you know， I dont mind that at all.

八年級(jí)時(shí)，我們一群人都漸漸開始故意破壞公物。五月的一個(gè)晚上，我和一個(gè)朋友一起溜出去，用紅色的馬克筆把自己討厭的老師的名字寫在學(xué)校體育館的墻上。第二天，我被叫到校長的辦公室。我母親也在那兒?！皝唫悺げh姆斯，”警官冷靜地說道，“我要以惡意行為和毀壞公物的罪名逮捕你。”母親哭了起來。我們一直待著，最終校長決定說要開除我。然后我們走向車子，準(zhǔn)備離開?！班蓿瑏唫?，”母親啜泣著說，“我該怎么辦？”在驅(qū)車回家的路上，我盯著窗外看，感覺很羞愧。

我馬上就被禁足了。父親和母親的爭(zhēng)吵愈加厲害。我決定保持低調(diào)，給別人割草坪賺點(diǎn)錢，并且?guī)缀醪怀鲩T。出于一些原因——也許是我在那兒得到的關(guān)注、或是那位年輕的牧師——我開始參加父母親教堂的青少年小組會(huì)議（他們?cè)诤芫弥熬头艞壛俗屛颐恐苋杖⒓樱?huì)議并沒有真正地改變我。但我還是一直會(huì)去教堂。

那年秋天，我報(bào)讀了“選擇中學(xué)”，當(dāng)?shù)匾粋€(gè)選擇性教育項(xiàng)目，主要針對(duì)貝靈翰姆的問題青少年。開學(xué)第一天，我看見五座矮小的活動(dòng)板房，濕漉漉掛著西北的雨水。學(xué)生們到處晃悠，戴著身體穿刺裝飾的、帶有幫派色彩的學(xué)生盡收眼底。這些才是我喜歡的人，我以為，所以嘗試說服自己這就是我想要的生活。我的第一節(jié)課是自然科學(xué)。老師是羅伯特·利維耶爾。他面前的十二個(gè)學(xué)生是混雜的一群人。

但是他待我們?nèi)鐚?duì)待成熟學(xué)者一般。他微笑，時(shí)不時(shí)講一兩個(gè)笑話，隨即將我們引入激烈的討論中?！拔蚁胍銈儗W(xué)習(xí)的一件事，”他說道，“就是怎么動(dòng)腦子。你們都是聰明的孩子?！边@節(jié)課結(jié)束的時(shí)候，我意識(shí)到自己沒有一次想要頂嘴。我每天乘坐公交車去選擇中學(xué)，團(tuán)身縮坐在座位上。一天早上，我碰巧往窗外看了看。像往常一樣，天下著雨。我湊近窗戶前看。為什么我從未發(fā)現(xiàn)雨中的世界是這般美好？雨滴在窗玻璃上滑落下來。我把耳機(jī)摘下，聽見一種截然不同的音樂；屋頂上雨滴輕快的淅瀝聲、剎車聲、喃喃的對(duì)話聲和笑聲。這是多么迷人的世界。利維耶爾先生說得對(duì)。但是他說我是聰明的孩子，這也是對(duì)的嗎？我還有什么方面是在給自己設(shè)限的呢？我想起我被捕那天，母親哭了，父親大發(fā)雷霆。除此之外，我有努力去了解他們嗎？我生命的目標(biāo)難道就是嘩眾取寵、抽大麻過癮嗎？通常，當(dāng)青少年小組祈禱時(shí)，我會(huì)開小差。那天早上，我看著窗外的雨，我嘗試以自己笨拙的方式祈禱：上帝，如果你真的存在，請(qǐng)幫我認(rèn)清楚自我。我到底是誰？最初的答案是殘酷的——我是一個(gè)迷途的小孩，越陷越深。

在第二年秋天，十一年級(jí)時(shí)，我就在貝靈翰姆中學(xué)上一些業(yè)余的課程，同時(shí)也在一所社區(qū)大學(xué)獲得了大專學(xué)位。畢業(yè)后，我入讀貝靈翰姆的西華盛頓大學(xué)。有一天傍晚放學(xué)回家，我看見父親獨(dú)坐一隅。我和父親閑談了片刻?！皝唫悾彼f道，“這幾年你的進(jìn)步——嗯，對(duì)我來說就像是奇跡。但是我知道這是你自己的努力。我想讓你知道我很為你感到驕傲。”好一會(huì)兒，那些話縈繞在我們之間的空氣中，接著就像是打開了一扇門。我們交談了幾個(gè)小時(shí)之久，毫無保留地將自己未曾和對(duì)方訴說的事情一一道出。

在西華盛頓大學(xué)上了兩年之后，我轉(zhuǎn)到了加利福尼亞州的斯坦福大學(xué)。就是在那兒，我聽說了羅氏獎(jiǎng)學(xué)金。起初，我認(rèn)為羅氏獎(jiǎng)學(xué)金聲望很高，并不在我力所能及的范圍內(nèi)。但是，申請(qǐng)表的一段文字吸引了我：“智力和學(xué)業(yè)方面的成績是申請(qǐng)者必備的首要品質(zhì)，同時(shí)，正直、關(guān)心和尊重同伴同樣必不可少。”正直。關(guān)心。尊重。這是否包括浪子回頭、迷途知返呢？

幾個(gè)月后，我坐在前羅氏獎(jiǎng)學(xué)金獲得者組成的面試小組面前。“我們對(duì)你的背景很感興趣，”他們說?！暗俏覀兒芎闷?，你是否覺得自己欺騙了所有人，你仍舊是選擇中學(xué)的那個(gè)自己？”我深呼吸一口氣，然后告訴他們真相?！皩?shí)際上，自從我離開選擇中學(xué)后，我覺得自己有必要證明自己。但是能夠坐在這里接受你們的提問，這已經(jīng)是對(duì)我莫大的肯定。我可以坦白地說，我知道自己是誰。無論我是否能夠獲得這個(gè)獎(jiǎng)學(xué)金，以后我也將明白這一點(diǎn)?！蔽也履鞘钦_的答案。這年秋天，我在牛津大學(xué)的伍斯特學(xué)院學(xué)習(xí)，這里是世界上最美麗、最著名的校園之一。當(dāng)然，這里也常下雨。不過，現(xiàn)在，你知道，我已絲毫不介意。