我愛你那朝圣者的靈魂

薇拉·凱瑟(Willa Cather， 1873~1947)出生于美國的弗吉尼亞州，九歲時隨父母移居內(nèi)布拉斯加州，1895年畢業(yè)于內(nèi)布拉斯加大學，后從事教師、編輯等工作。薇拉·凱瑟的文學創(chuàng)作開始于1900年，成就主要集中在小說領域，是20世紀美國最重要的鄉(xiāng)土作家之一。她的作品背景往往是西部大草原，描寫的是拓荒者的生活，代表作有“拓荒三部曲”：《啊，拓荒者！》(O Pioneers!)、《云雀之歌》(The Song of the Lark)以及《我的安東尼婭》(My Antonia)。

The next afternoon I walked over to the Shimerdas’2). Yulka3) showed me the baby and told me that Antonia was shocking4) wheat on the southwest quarter. I went down across the fields， and Tony5) saw me from a long way off. She stood still by her shocks， leaning on her pitchfork6)， watching me as I came. We met like the people in the old song， in silence， if not in tears. Her warm hand clasped mine.

“I thought you’d come， Jim. I heard you were at Mrs. Steavens7)’s last night. I’ve been looking for you all day.”

She was thinner than I had ever seen her， and looked as Mrs. Steavens said， “worked down，” but there was a new kind of strength in the gravity of her face， and her colour still gave her that look of deep-seated8) health and ardour9). Still? Why， it flashed across me that though so much had happened in her life and in mine， she was barely twenty-four years old.

Antonia stuck her fork in the ground， and instinctively we walked toward that unploughed10) patch at the crossing of the roads as the fittest place to talk to each other. We sat down outside the sagging11) wire fence that shut Mr. Shimerda’s plot off from the rest of the world. The tall red grass had never been cut there. It had died down in winter and come up again in the spring until it was as thick and shrubby12) as some tropical garden-grass. I found myself telling her everything: why I had decided to study law and to go into the law office of one of my mother’s relatives in New York City; about Gaston Cleric13)’s death from pneumonia last winter， and the difference it had made in my life. She wanted to know about my friends， and my way of living， and my dearest hopes.

“Of course it means you are going away from us for good，” she said with a sigh. “But that don’t mean I’ll lose you. Look at my papa here; he’s been dead all these years， and yet he is more real to me than almost anybody else. He never goes out of my life. I talk to him and consult him all the time. The older I grow， the better I know him and the more I understand him.”

She asked me whether I had learned to like big cities. “I’d always be miserable in a city. I’d die of lonesomeness. I like to be where I know every stack14) and tree， and where all the ground is friendly. I want to live and die here. Father15) Kelly says everybody’s put into this world for something， and I know what I’ve got to do. I’m going to see that my little girl has a better chance than ever I had. I’m going to take care of that girl， Jim.”

I told her I knew she would. “Do you know， Antonia， since I’ve been away， I think of you more often than of anyone else in this part of the world. I’d have liked to have you for a sweetheart， or a wife， or my mother or my sister—anything that a woman can be to a man. The idea of you is a part of my mind; you influence my likes and dislikes， all my tastes， hundreds of times when I don’t realize it. You really are a part of me.”

She turned her bright， believing eyes to me， and the tears came up in them slowly， “How can it be like that， when you know so many people， and when I’ve disappointed you so? Ain’t it wonderful， Jim， how much people can mean to each other? I’m so glad we had each other when we were little. I can’t wait till my little girl’s old enough to tell her about all the things we used to do. You’ll always remember me when you think about old times， won’t you? And I guess everybody thinks about old times， even the happiest people.”

As we walked homeward across the fields， the sun dropped and lay like a great golden globe in the low west. While it hung there， the moon rose in the east， as big as a cart-wheel， pale silver and streaked16) with rose colour， thin as a bubble or a ghost-moon. For five， perhaps ten minutes， the two luminaries confronted each other across the level land， resting on opposite edges of the world.

In that singular light every little tree and shock of wheat， every sunflower stalk17) and clump of snow-on-the-mountain18)， drew itself up high and pointed; the very clods19) and furrows20) in the fields seemed to stand up sharply. I felt the old pull of the earth， the solemn magic that comes out of those fields at nightfall. I wished I could be a little boy again， and that my way could end there.

We reached the edge of the field， where our ways parted. I took her hands and held them against my breast， feeling once more how strong and warm and good they were， those brown hands， and remembering how many kind things they had done for me. I held them now a long while， over my heart. About us it was growing darker and darker， and I had to look hard to see her face， which I meant always to carry with me; the closest， realest face， under all the shadows of women’s faces， at the very bottom of my memory.

“I’ll come back，” I said earnestly， through the soft， intrusive darkness.

“Perhaps you will”—I felt rather than saw her smile. “But even if you don’t， you’re here， like my father. So I won’t be lonesome.”

As I went back alone over that familiar road， I could almost believe that a boy and girl ran along beside me， as our shadows used to do， laughing and whispering to each other in the grass.

1.節(jié)選部分描寫了主人公吉姆·伯丹在哈佛大學讀書期間，回家過暑假時去鄉(xiāng)下看望安東尼婭·雪默爾達的情景。此時安東尼婭已被未婚夫拋棄，生下了一個女孩。

2.the Shimerdas’：雪默爾達家，即安東尼婭的家。雪默爾達是安東尼婭的娘家姓。

3.Yulka：于爾卡，小說中安東尼婭的妹妹

4.shock [#643;#594;k] vt. 把(谷物)收攏做成禾束堆

5.Tony：Antonia的昵稱

6.pitchfork [#712;p#618;t#643;#716;f#596;#720;(r)k] n. 干草叉

7.Mrs. Steavens：斯戴文斯夫人，小說中吉姆·伯丹跟著祖父母搬到鎮(zhèn)上后，他家的農(nóng)田和房屋就租給了這位夫人。

8.deep-seated [#716;di#720;p#712;si#720;t#618;d] adj. 難以改變的，由來已久的

9.ardour [#712;ɑ#720;(r)d#601;(r)] n. 熱情

10.unploughed [#652;n#712;pla#650;d] adj. (田地)未犁過的，未耕的

11.sag [saelig;ɡ] vi. 松垂

12.shrubby [#712;#643;r#652;bi] adj. 灌木叢生的，多灌木的

13.Gaston Cleric：加斯頓·克萊里克，小說中吉姆在林肯市讀大學時的良師益友

14.stack [st#596;#720;k] n. (麥稈、稻草、谷物等的)堆，垛

15.Father [#712;fɑ#720;eth;#601;(r)] n. (用作對教士、牧師等的尊稱)神父

16.streaked [stri#720;kt] adj. 有條紋的

17.stalk [st#596;#720;k] n. 莖，稈，梗

18.snow-on-the-mountain：[植]銀邊翠(產(chǎn)于北美中部)

19.clod [kl#594;d] n. 土塊

20.furrow [#712;f#652;r#601;#650;] n. 犁溝

作品賞析

在小說《我的安東尼婭》中，主人公吉姆·伯丹與安東尼婭·雪默爾達相識的時候，剛剛十歲。因父母亡故，他坐火車從弗吉尼亞來到內(nèi)布拉斯加州的黑鷹鎮(zhèn)，投靠祖父母。同一趟列車，也送來了14歲的安東尼婭和她的家人：他們漂洋過海，從波西米亞移民到美國。吉姆和安東尼婭相遇在站臺，繼而發(fā)現(xiàn)彼此都落腳在鄉(xiāng)下，是相隔不遠的鄰居。他們很快成了好朋友。

三年后，吉姆搬到了鎮(zhèn)上讀中學，安東尼婭則來到他們的新鄰居哈林太太家當幫工。此時的安東尼婭已經(jīng)出落成全鎮(zhèn)最漂亮的姑娘。正在度過青春期的吉姆隱隱約約地明白了自己對安東尼婭的心意，安東尼婭卻知道自己和吉姆之間在家庭背景上存在著巨大的差距，她理智地選擇了回避，沒有對吉姆的情感作出回應。中學畢業(yè)后，吉姆離開了故鄉(xiāng)，先去林肯市讀大學，后轉學到了哈佛大學。這期間，安東尼婭愛上了一名列車員，后不幸被拋棄，生下了一個私生女。在哈佛大學讀書時的一個暑假，吉姆曾回到鄉(xiāng)下，見到了安東尼婭和她的女兒，并約定一定會再回來看她。但是由于種種原因，20年之后吉姆才再次回到故鄉(xiāng)，與安東尼婭重逢。此時的安東尼婭早已嫁給了同樣來自波西米亞的農(nóng)民安東·庫扎克，并生了十個孩子。雖然安東尼婭青春遠逝，但吉姆發(fā)現(xiàn)自己對她依舊懷著不會被歲月侵蝕掉的深摯感情。

《我的安東尼婭》讀起來與其說是吉姆寫下的有關安東尼婭的傳記，不如說是一封長長的情書。小說在吉姆的敘述開篇前，有一則短小的楔子。楔子的敘述者是一位男子，同樣來自黑鷹鎮(zhèn)，和吉姆是好友。通過這位匿名的敘述者，我們得知吉姆此時已經(jīng)結婚，生活在紐約，是大型鐵路公司的法律顧問，過著富裕的生活。但是，吉姆并不幸福。他的妻子有殷實的財產(chǎn)，為人卻虛榮淺薄。大城市的成功不能填補吉姆內(nèi)心對鄉(xiāng)村生活的向往和對安東尼婭的思念。吉姆告訴敘述者，“我時常把我對安東尼婭的回憶寫下來?！蔽覀冏x到的《我的安東尼婭》這本書便由此而來。這沉甸甸的手稿說明了吉姆對安東尼婭的情感。她是他生命中不可替代的愛戀。

在漢語中，有很多詞匯可以用來描述在懵懂無知的年紀便開始萌芽的愛情，比如我們用“兩小無猜”來形容感情的無邪和純粹，用“青梅竹馬”來形容彼此相伴共同成長的美好。吉姆對安東尼婭的情感滋長在內(nèi)布拉斯加州天大地大的曠野之中。少年時的他們一起在草原上奔跑、歡笑，在田地里耕作，在壟間相互依偎，靜靜地看著萬物生長。他們沐浴著溫暖的陽光，像草原上青翠挺拔的樹苗一樣，漸漸成長。

青春是美麗的，也是短暫的。少年時，我們或許很容易便會墮入情網(wǎng)。但是，世界在變，我們在變，容顏在變，人生經(jīng)歷在變。曾經(jīng)互有好感的兩個人可能越走越近，自此相攜相守一生；也可能漸行漸遠，回首時不得不喟嘆物是人非，人心易變。初次的怦然心動之所以讓人懷想，是因為它代表著沒有雜質(zhì)的純粹，是浮華躁動的世界里可以讓人在記憶中一再回溯的原初。可是這份感情要想在歲月里綿延出一份悠長，則需要它能夠跟得上我們成長的腳步，并在時光里磨掉虛浮的外表，沉淀出令人可以將心永系于此的穩(wěn)定。

吉姆是幸運的。他所愛上的安東尼婭是那種隨著歲月的流轉越來越綻放出璀璨光芒的女子。這種光芒不在于容貌，而來自于靈魂。

安東尼婭的一生磨難重重。她小小年紀就隨家人背井離鄉(xiāng)，來到了美國的曠野，成為一名拓荒者。她雖然聰慧伶俐，卻沒有機會接受高等教育，早早輟學務農(nóng)，干的是和男性一樣沉重的體力勞動。到了結婚的年紀，她愛上了錯的那個人，懷了孕卻被拋棄，獨自生下了女兒。然而，她就像是她腳下的那片內(nèi)布拉斯加草原一樣堅韌、寬容。草原不知道經(jīng)歷了多少個輪回的干旱、洪澇、暴風雪，依然年年生長出茂盛的草木。安東尼婭也一樣。她的舊家簡陋、殘破，選址在一片荒地。但憑著勤勞，她在那里蓋起了明亮的房子，建起了豐饒的大農(nóng)場。她再婚后，孕育了十個孩子，是最繁忙的母親。而她的孩子們，男孩高高大大，筆直得像草原上的樹；女孩美麗勤勞，明朗得像草原上的花。整個大家庭，所有的人都相親相愛。

安東尼婭一輩子生活在鄉(xiāng)村。當20年后吉姆去看她的時候，歲月已經(jīng)徹底剝奪了她的嫵媚輕盈。吉姆看到的是一個皮膚黝黑粗糙、蒼老干瘦的婦人。然而，她的手依然溫暖，眼睛依然明亮，笑聲依然爽朗。當生活拿走了她嬌艷的容顏時，也成就了她靈魂的自由、自立、自信、自尊。如果說20年前吉姆對安東尼婭的愛還帶著少年的淺薄和猶豫，此時，他的愛戀才真正成熟了。就像愛爾蘭詩人葉芝在《當你老了》一詩中曾經(jīng)寫道的：“多少人曾愛慕你青春嫵媚的身影/愛過你的美貌出自假意或者真情/而唯獨一人愛你那朝圣者的靈魂/愛你日漸衰老的滿面風霜。”吉姆不在乎安東尼婭是否已為人妻，是否美麗依舊，他對她的情感沒有占有的欲望，沒有自私的嫉妒，只有祝福。這份愛是如此深沉，就如同我們愛故鄉(xiāng)那亙古不變、豐饒而秀美的大地一樣。這份情感帶著少年時的陽光，也帶著成年后謙卑的感恩。

能夠在青春的時候，便與這樣好的女子相遇，的確是生命的一種祝福與成全。