A second try

廣東 彭 英

主題語(yǔ)境：人與自我 篇幅：396詞 建議用時(shí)：7分鐘

1It was commencement at our college.People were pouring into the hall as I entered it.Finding the choice seats in the center of the hall already taken,I pressed forward,looking to the right and left for a seat.Finally,I found one in the very front row.

2Here a little girl moved along to make room for me,looking into my face with large gray eyes.Again and again I found my eyes turning to the rose-like face,and each time the gray eyes moved half-smiling to meet mine.Obviously,she was ready to make friends with me.And when,with a bright smile,she returned my dropped handkerchief,and I said“thank you”,we seemed good friends.

3Other persons now coming into the seats,crowded me quite close to the girl.Her face beamed with pleasure and pride as she said,“My brother is going to graduate.He's going to deliver a speech.I've brought these flowers to send to him.”

4“That is my brother,”she went on,“that handsome one with brown wavy hair.There!He's waving his hands now.You see him,don't you?”“I see him,”I responded.“He's a very good-looking brother.”“Yes,he is beautiful,”she said with delight.“And he's so good and studies so hard that he has an honor to speak.”

5“His speech is a good one,and he says it beautifully.He has said it to me many times that I almost know it by heart,”the girl continued.“What a pretty girl!”I thought,looking down into her bright proud face.

6As the ceremony went on,my little friend became excited and restless.Her eyes grew brighter and brighter,two deep-red spots glowed on her cheeks.“Now,it's his turn,”she said,turning to me with a face in which pride, delight and anxiety seemed equally mixed.She rose to her feet and tiptoed for a better view of her brother.By her deep breathing,I knew her heart was thumping in her throat.By the way,her brother came up the steps and onto the stage,I also knew he was trembling.His face was pale and lips were blue as with a cold.I felt anxious that he might have been seized by stage fright.The little girl,too,seemed to realize things were not well with him.

Reading Check

閱讀上面的短文，根據(jù)所給情節(jié)進(jìn)行續(xù)寫(xiě)，使之構(gòu)成一個(gè)完整的故事。注意：

1.所續(xù)寫(xiě)短文的詞數(shù)應(yīng)為150左右；

2.續(xù)寫(xiě)部分分為兩段，每段的開(kāi)頭語(yǔ)已為你寫(xiě)好。

Paragraph 1:

Something like fear showed in her face.______________________________________

Paragraph 2:

Surprisingly,she came up to the president,asking,“Will you let my brother try again?”__________________________________________________________________

Step 1 語(yǔ)篇研讀

本文是一篇記敘文，要做到續(xù)寫(xiě)內(nèi)容與所給材料內(nèi)容連貫、銜接緊密，必須分析文本結(jié)構(gòu)、捕捉關(guān)鍵信息并挖掘文本承載的文化與價(jià)值觀。本文解讀如下：

Step 2 情節(jié)構(gòu)思

根據(jù)所給材料和續(xù)寫(xiě)段落首句提供的信息，構(gòu)思續(xù)寫(xiě)部分的故事情節(jié)，這一過(guò)程分為四步。

第一步，根據(jù)原文和給出的兩個(gè)段首句領(lǐng)悟文章的主旨大意和作者的情感態(tài)度。

通過(guò)小女孩與“我”的交流及“我”的觀察，我們可以了解到小女孩為即將進(jìn)行畢業(yè)演講的哥哥感到驕傲和自豪。她佩服哥哥的成績(jī)，認(rèn)同哥哥的想法，看到哥哥成功就好像自己獲得了成功一樣。她的哥哥非常優(yōu)秀，非常努力，他的演講詞非常精彩，他準(zhǔn)備得也非常好，于是她在焦急、興奮和緊張中期待哥哥登臺(tái)演講。終于輪到哥哥了，小女孩非常興奮和緊張，可是她發(fā)現(xiàn)哥哥有點(diǎn)不對(duì)勁，哥哥好像特別緊張和害怕……由此，我們可以推斷本文要傳達(dá)的主題為：兄妹情深和勇氣。

第二步，圍繞續(xù)寫(xiě)第一段所給出的段首句“Something like fear showed in her face.”預(yù)測(cè)故事情節(jié)的發(fā)展，我們可以根據(jù)下面的提問(wèn)進(jìn)行構(gòu)思：

（1）Did her brother deliver the speech as smoothly as planned?

（2）If he did,what would happen next?If not,what would happen next?

Clues:Describe fear from the view of emotions,actions and psychology.

第三步，根據(jù)續(xù)寫(xiě)第二段所給出的段首句倒推續(xù)寫(xiě)第一段的內(nèi)容，注意保持續(xù)寫(xiě)第一段末尾句與續(xù)寫(xiě)第二段首句之間語(yǔ)言與情節(jié)的銜接與連貫。例如,根據(jù)續(xù)寫(xiě)第二段的段首句“Surprisingly,she came up to the president,asking,‘Will you let my brother try again?’”可以推斷，在續(xù)寫(xiě)第一段中應(yīng)該著重描寫(xiě)小女孩的哥哥由于緊張，表現(xiàn)不好，可能忘詞了。

第四步，圍繞續(xù)寫(xiě)第二段的段首句，根據(jù)下面的提問(wèn)進(jìn)行構(gòu)思：

（1）Did the president give them a second try?

（2）If her brother was given the chance,what would he do and how would the girl and the audience react to it?

（3）How would the story end?

Step 3 語(yǔ)言打磨

一、語(yǔ)言特色

1.Again and again I found my eyes turning to the rose-like face,and each time the gray eyes moved half-smiling to meet mine.我的眼睛一次又一次地瞥向這玫瑰般的臉蛋，而她的灰色眼睛也總會(huì)淺笑著迎上我的視線。

【點(diǎn)石成金】本句中的found my eyes turning to the rose-like face 為“動(dòng)詞+賓語(yǔ)+賓補(bǔ)”結(jié)構(gòu)；half-smiling 意為“淺笑”，作伴隨狀語(yǔ)；mine在此處指my eyes。

2.“Now,it's his turn,”she said,turning to me with a face in which pride,delight and anxiety seemed equally mixed.“現(xiàn)在輪到他了。”她轉(zhuǎn)過(guò)身對(duì)我說(shuō)，臉上似乎帶著一種自豪、高興又擔(dān)憂的表情。

【點(diǎn)石成金】turning to me with a face...作伴隨狀語(yǔ)；in which pride,delight and anxiety seemed equally mixed 是限制性定語(yǔ)從句，修飾前面的先行詞a face。

二、語(yǔ)言模式

（一）情感的表達(dá)方式

1.With a bright smile,she returned my dropped handkerchief.

2.Her face beamed with pleasure and pride.

3.“Yes,he is beautiful,”she said with delight.

4.“What a pretty girl!”I thought,looking down into her bright proud face.

5.As the ceremony went on,my little friend became excited and restless.

6.Her eyes grew brighter and brighter,two deep-red spots glowed on her cheeks.

7.“Now,it's his turn,”she said,turning to me with a face in which pride,delight and anxiety seemed equally mixed.

8.By her deep breathing,I knew her heart was thumping in her throat.

9.His face was pale and lips were bule as with a cold.

10.I felt anxious that he might have been seized by stage fright.

（二）動(dòng)作的表達(dá)方式

1.People were pouring into the hall as I entered it.

2.I pressed forward,looking to the right and left for a seat.

3.Other persons now coming into the seats,crowded me quite close to the girl.

4.She rose to her feet and tiptoed for a better view of her brother.

（三）寫(xiě)作手法

1.Again and again I found my eyes turning to the rose-like face.(simile)

2.His face was pale and lips were blue as with a cold.(comparison)

3.By her deep breathing,I knew her heart was thumping in her throat.By the way her brother came up the steps and onto the stage,I also knew he was trembling.(parallelism)

Step 4 潤(rùn)色成篇

讀后續(xù)寫(xiě)是模仿原文語(yǔ)言并進(jìn)行再創(chuàng)造的寫(xiě)作題型，因此續(xù)寫(xiě)內(nèi)容應(yīng)該在主題意義、情節(jié)、語(yǔ)言風(fēng)格、結(jié)構(gòu)邏輯層面與原文保持一致。具體如下：

（1）主題意義：兄妹情深、勇氣。

（2）情節(jié)：續(xù)寫(xiě)的情節(jié)應(yīng)與原文的情節(jié)發(fā)展吻合，我們要根據(jù)人物的性格特點(diǎn)和故事發(fā)展的邏輯，進(jìn)行合理的續(xù)寫(xiě)。

（3）語(yǔ)言風(fēng)格：在寫(xiě)作手法上，原文通過(guò)情感描寫(xiě)、動(dòng)作描寫(xiě)、人物對(duì)話等刻畫(huà)人物性格；在語(yǔ)法和句式上，用非謂語(yǔ)、獨(dú)立主格結(jié)構(gòu)等來(lái)傳達(dá)文意；在修辭手法上，用比喻和排比等修辭手法進(jìn)行生動(dòng)形象的描寫(xiě)。因此，在進(jìn)行續(xù)寫(xiě)時(shí)應(yīng)保持以上語(yǔ)言風(fēng)格的統(tǒng)一。

（4）結(jié)構(gòu)邏輯：注意兩個(gè)續(xù)寫(xiě)段落篇幅的平衡性、語(yǔ)法和銜接詞的準(zhǔn)確性、詞匯的豐富性、語(yǔ)言的流暢性和得體性。