凱文·布雷爾：一個(gè)抑郁喜劇演員的自白

Two years ago it was my problem， because I sat on the edge of my bed， I was suicidal. And if you were to look at my life on the surface， you wouldnt see a kid who was suicidal. You would see a kid who was the captain of his basketball team， the drama and theater student of the year， the English student of the year， someone who was consistently on the honor roll and consistently at every party. So you would say I wasnt depressed， you would say I wasnt suicidal， but you would be wrong. You would be wrong. So I sat there that night beside a bottle of pills with a pen and paper in my hand and I thought about taking my own life and I came this close to doing it. I came this close to doing it.

And I didnt， so that makes me one of the lucky ones， one of the people who gets to step out on the ledge and look down but not jump， one of the lucky ones who survives. Well， I survived， and that just leaves me with my story， and my story is this： In four simple words， I suffer from depression. And for a long time， I think， I was living two totally different lives， where one person was always afraid of the other. I was afraid that people would see me for who I really was， that I wasnt the perfect， popular kid in high school everyone thought I was， that beneath my smile， there was struggle， and beneath my light， there was dark， and beneath my big personality just hid even bigger pain.

And I， I dont know what the solution is. I wish I did， but I dont—but I think， I think it has to start here. It has to start with me， it has to start with you， it has to start with the people who are suffering， the ones who are hidden in the shadows. We need to speak up and shatter the silence. We need to be the ones who are brave for what we believe in， because if theres one thing that Ive come to realize， if theres one thing that I see as the biggest problem， its not in building a world where we eliminate the ignorance of others. Its in building a world where we teach the acceptance of ourselves， where were okay with who we are， because when we get honest， we see that we all struggle and we all suffer. Whether its with this， whether its with something else， we all know what it is to hurt. We all know what it is to have pain in our heart， and we all know how important it is to heal. But right now， depression is societys deep cut that were content to put a Band-Aid over and pretend its not there.

Well， it is there. It is there， and you know what？ Its okay. Depression is okay. If youre going through it， know that youre okay. And know that youre sick， youre not weak， and its an issue， not an identity， because when you get past the fear and the ridicule and the judgment and the stigma of others， you can see depression for what it really is， and thats just a part of life， and as much as I hate， as much as I hate some of the places， some of the parts of my life depression has dragged me down to， in a lot of ways Im grateful for it. Because yeah， its put me in the valleys， but only to show me theres peaks， and yeah its dragged me through the dark but only to remind me there is light.

My pain， more than anything in 19 years on this planet， has given me perspective， and my hurt， my hurt has forced me to have hope， have hope and to have faith， faith in myself， faith in others， faith that it can get better， that we can change this， that we can speak up and speak out and fight back against ignorance， fight back against intolerance， and more than anything， learn to love ourselves， learn to accept ourselves for who we are， the people we are， not the people the world wants us to be. Because the world I believe in is one where embracing your light doesnt mean ignoring your dark. The world I believe in is one where were measured by our ability to overcome adversities， not avoid them.

The world I believe in is one where I can look someone in the eye and say， “Im going through hell，” and they can look back at me and go， “Me too，” and thats okay， because depression is okay. Were people. Were people， and we struggle and we suffer and we bleed and we cry， and if you think that true strength means never showing any weakness， then Im here to tell you youre wrong. Youre wrong， because its the opposite. Were people， and we have problems. Were not perfect， and thats okay.

So we need to stop the ignorance， stop the intolerance， stop the stigma， and stop the silence， and we need to take away the taboos， take a look at the truth， and start talking， because the only way were gonna beat a problem that people are battling alone is by standing strong together.

And I believe that we can. I believe that we can. Thank you guys so much. This is a dream come true. Thank you..

兩年前，它是我的困擾，因?yàn)槲以诖策?，想著要自殺。如果你僅從表面上看我的生活，你不會(huì)看到一個(gè)有自殺傾向的孩子。你會(huì)看到一個(gè)籃球隊(duì)隊(duì)長(zhǎng)、一個(gè)年度舞臺(tái)戲劇班的學(xué)生、一個(gè)年度英語(yǔ)學(xué)習(xí)的學(xué)生、一個(gè)一貫出現(xiàn)在榮譽(yù)榜上的和經(jīng)常出現(xiàn)在任何派對(duì)上的人。所以你會(huì)說(shuō)我不是抑郁，你會(huì)說(shuō)我不會(huì)自殺，但你就錯(cuò)了。你就錯(cuò)了。所以我那天晚上坐在床邊，旁邊有一瓶藥，我手上拿著紙筆，我想著要終結(jié)自己的生命。我差一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)就做了。我差點(diǎn)就這樣做了。

然而我沒(méi)有，所以我成為了幸運(yùn)的一分子，一個(gè)走到邊緣并向下看但沒(méi)有跳下去的人，我是幸運(yùn)活下來(lái)的人之一。嗯，我活下來(lái)了，這便有了我和我的故事，我的故事是簡(jiǎn)單的四個(gè)字，患抑郁癥。我想，在很長(zhǎng)時(shí)間里，我在活著兩個(gè)完全不同的人生，一個(gè)總是害怕別人的人。我害怕人們會(huì)看到我真正的樣子：我不是那個(gè)所有人眼中完美的又受歡迎的高中男孩;在我的微笑之下，是掙扎，在我的光芒之下，是黑暗，在我強(qiáng)大的人格下藏著更深層次的痛苦。

然而我，我不知道解決的方案是什么。我希望我知道，但我不知道，但我認(rèn)為，它得從這里開(kāi)始。它得從我開(kāi)始，它得從你開(kāi)始，它得從患病的人們，得從那些被隱藏在陰影中的人們開(kāi)始。我們需要說(shuō)出來(lái)打破沉默。我們需要成為那些為我們相信的事情而勇敢的人，因?yàn)槿绻幸患挛乙呀?jīng)開(kāi)始意識(shí)到，如果有一件事我認(rèn)為是最大的問(wèn)題，那就是：這不在于建造一個(gè)世界，（一個(gè)）我們可以忽略他人的無(wú)知的世界，而在于建造一個(gè)教會(huì)我們自己接受自己，坦然面對(duì)我們自己的世界。因?yàn)楫?dāng)我們誠(chéng)實(shí)面對(duì)的時(shí)候，我們會(huì)看到我們都在掙扎，都在忍受苦痛。無(wú)論是與抑郁癥有關(guān)，還是與別的事情有關(guān)，我們都知道什么給我們帶來(lái)了痛苦。我們都知道是什么在我們的心中留下痛楚，我們也知道治愈有多重要。但是現(xiàn)在，抑郁癥是社會(huì)深深的傷口，我們僅僅把創(chuàng)可貼貼上，就假裝它不存在。

而它是存在的，是存在的。而且你知道么？它并沒(méi)什么。抑郁癥沒(méi)什么。因?yàn)槿绻憧朔怂?，你就知道你沒(méi)事。知道雖然你病了，但你并不脆弱，它是一個(gè)問(wèn)題，不是一個(gè)身份標(biāo)簽，因?yàn)楫?dāng)你熬過(guò)恐懼和嘲笑，以及別人對(duì)你的看法和恥辱，你就可以看到抑郁癥真實(shí)的身份，它只是生活的一部分，雖然我討厭，非常討厭它已經(jīng)毀壞了我生活中的某些地方，我生活的某些部分，但在很多方面上看，我是非常感激它的。因?yàn)闆](méi)錯(cuò)，它是把我置于低谷，但只是為了向我證明有高峰，是的，它將我拉進(jìn)了黑暗，但只是為了提醒我有光明。

我的痛苦比十九年來(lái)這個(gè)星球上的任何事給我的感受還要多，而我的傷口迫使我擁有希望，有希望，有信心，對(duì)我自己有信心，對(duì)其他人有信心，相信我們的抑郁可以得到緩解，我們可以不再抑郁，我們可以大聲談?wù)?，暢所欲言，抵抗無(wú)知，抵抗不寬容。而更重要的是，學(xué)會(huì)愛(ài)自己，學(xué)會(huì)接受真實(shí)的自己，真實(shí)的我們，而不是別人想要我們成為的那個(gè)人。因?yàn)槲蚁嘈旁谶@個(gè)世界上，擁抱光明并不意味著忽視你的黑暗世界。我相信世界會(huì)根據(jù)我們克服逆境的能力，而不是逃避它們的能力來(lái)評(píng)價(jià)我們。

我相信的世界是一個(gè)我可以看著某一個(gè)人的眼睛并說(shuō)“我正在過(guò)著地獄般的生活”的世界，他們也可以看著我跟我說(shuō)“我也是”這沒(méi)關(guān)系。因?yàn)橐钟魶](méi)什么，我們都是人。我們是人，我們掙扎，我們?cè)馐芡纯?，我們流血，我們哭泣，如果你認(rèn)為真正的力量代表從未顯露任何弱點(diǎn)，那么我在這里要告訴你，你錯(cuò)了。你錯(cuò)了，因?yàn)槭聦?shí)是相反的。我們是人，我們會(huì)有問(wèn)題。我們不是完美的，而這沒(méi)什么。

所以我們需要停止無(wú)知，停止不容忍，停止蔑視和停止沉默，我們需要打破禁忌，正視真相，并開(kāi)始說(shuō)話，因?yàn)槲覀円鉀Q他人正在獨(dú)自克服的問(wèn)題的唯一方法就是堅(jiān)強(qiáng)地站在一起。

我相信我們可以。我相信我們可以。非常感謝。我的夢(mèng)想成真了。謝謝。