翠西·艾敏：一位藝術(shù)家的獨白

by Tracey Emin

people who love my work love it. They， yeah， they...they think its really intimate and really honest and everything. People who dont like my work think its sentimental and 1）crass.

Youve got to keep yourself free and honest to...to you， true to what youre doing， because otherwise you just...you just get lost， you just end up being depressed and really weird and questioning what the whole thing about art is all about anyway.

I make art that is really， really personal， so people felt that they could attack me through the art because I was putting myself out there with this personal language. Because， even though they were critics， they didnt have the intelligence to still understand that of course its the separation from me.

Art is...is perceived differently in different places at different times by different people， so theres nothing Ive done to be controversial or shocking. Im a fighter. God am I a fighter！ If I 2）retaliated， God help them. You know， thats not a threat. Its just that I need my energy for my art. I need my energy for myself. If I start retaliating on every tiny...tiny battle， I would never win my war with myself as being an artist. Its difficult being an artist. It goes against the grain of things， and， for that reason I need all my self-strength and 3）stamina. I cant go around fighting all those little battles with people， you know.

A n d I h a d this massive big 4）sledgehammer and Ive got all my paintings， carried them downstairs， put them in the middle of the courtyard and got the sledgehammer， and I smashed them to 5）smithereens， and they were all wood， a lot of them， as well on 6）hardboard， and then...and I had blood running off my hands and I was screaming and everything I was doing. And now， if I had known， I would have had filmed it. Would have been fantastic， so...

Ive managed to overcome a lot of difficulties in my life， and Ive managed to do it really well， and that is through my love of art and art loving me. Art has taken care of me， and...and its good， its a fantastic 7）symbiotic thing. I always say art is like a lover， and even if I tried to leave it， it comes back and 8）cradles me and looks after me， and my life has made perfect sense because of the art. The suffering is nothing in comparison to the joy and the...and the happiness and the appreciation and the luck and the good fortune that the art has brought me. Its fantastic！

When…when I was younger I made work that was so close to me， it touched me， and at the beginning a lot of people didnt see it as being art. They just saw it as “object dull.” All my…my personal effects. They couldnt relate to it as art. And still people have a lot of difficulty with those works， but， for me， it was just me making something with the reality of the subjects. So instead of making a drawing of it or sculpture of it， making something， I just used it.

Being an artist and using my memory for my work， I dont want to disconnect myself from my past completely， but I would like to see it from a different perspective. Id like to see it from the pers…perspective of being an adult as opposed to always seeing it from being like an adolescent girl. I dont want to be a screaming adolescent girl when Im nearly 50. I want to get some balance and some middle ground in my life， but at the same hand [sic] I dont want to be really boring. I want， you know， I want to be a…I think “develop” is the word， develop and push things further.

Im a very passionate person， and Im， you know， I have a…deep emotions. We all have emotions， but mine really come out， like one of my friends say that I apparently have containment issues. You know， Im always constantly telling the truth apparently， you know， Im always saying things you shouldnt say. But Im always making work about things that are close subject matter for a lot of people. I still have all those subject matters that I work with， and I still work with them， but maybe in a different kind of way or in a more indepth way. Or maybe Ive been exhausted doing it. In one way this sort of screaming adolescent girl hasnt got any more energy left. Now Ive got to sort of sit down and think “Well， what have I got， what can I work with？” What I can work with now really is my hands and my knowledge and my information of the visual arts and my love of art history.

I think galleries are the new cathedrals， the new churches， and I think all art， whether its in a church or whether its in a gallery， gives people...Its a...its a place and space for mental 9）contemplation， which is really important， and thats whats so beautiful and important about art.

喜歡我作品的人對它們贊賞不已，他們覺得我的作品貼近內(nèi)心，非常真實，等等。不喜歡我作品的人會覺得它們多愁善感，粗魯不堪。

你必須保持自由，誠實地對待自己和自己的所為，否則你就會迷失自我，最終變得頹廢、古怪，質(zhì)疑關(guān)于藝術(shù)的一切到底有什么意義。

我所創(chuàng)作的藝術(shù)作品都是非常私人的，所以人們覺得他們可以通過我的作品來攻擊我，因為這些私人化的語言使我暴露無遺。他們雖然身為評論家，卻沒能明智地認(rèn)識到我的作品和我本身明顯是兩回事。

在不同的地方，不同的時期，不同的人對藝術(shù)有著不同的看法，所以我的作品并沒有什么可爭議的或者令人震驚的地方。我是一個斗士，確實如此！如果我要反擊，那攻擊我的那些人就只能祈求上天憐憫了。你知道，這并不是威脅，只不過我需要為我的藝術(shù)創(chuàng)作保存能量，為我自己保存能量。如果我在每次微不足道的小戰(zhàn)役中都要去回?fù)?，那么在與作為藝術(shù)家的自己進(jìn)行的這場大對決中，我永遠(yuǎn)也不可能取勝。當(dāng)一名藝術(shù)家不容易，因為你做著與常態(tài)相悖的事。正因為如此，我才需要聚集自身所有的能量和精力。我不能到處去和別人進(jìn)行那些小爭小斗，你知道的。

我拿起一個結(jié)實的大錘，把我所有的畫都搬到樓下，放在院子中間，舉起大錘把它們砸成碎片。那些畫都是木質(zhì)的，有很多，而且還是硬質(zhì)纖維板的，然后……鮮血從我的雙手流下，我尖叫著，瘋了一般?，F(xiàn)在回頭看看，那時沒有想到，應(yīng)該把那一幕拍下來的，會很有趣，所以……

我這一生克服了許多困難，我成功戰(zhàn)勝了它們，這有賴于我對藝術(shù)的愛和藝術(shù)對我的愛。藝術(shù)一直在照看著我，我和藝術(shù)之間是一種奇妙的、相互依靠的關(guān)系。我總是說，藝術(shù)就像一位愛人，即使我要離開它，它也會回到我身邊，呵護(hù)著我，照顧著我。因為藝術(shù)，我的生命充滿了意義。相比起藝術(shù)帶給我的欣喜、快樂、感恩和幸運，我所承受的痛苦根本不算什么。藝術(shù)真是太美妙了！

年輕的時候，我的作品與自己密切相關(guān)，它們打動了我，但一開始很多人并沒有把它們看作藝術(shù)，只認(rèn)為那些是“無趣的物品”，是我個人的東西，人們無法把它們和藝術(shù)聯(lián)系到一起。直到現(xiàn)在人們?nèi)匀粚δ切┳髌犯械劫M解，但對我來說，我只是在用那些題材本身來創(chuàng)作。我并沒有把它們做成一幅畫，或者一個雕塑，我沒有把它們做成什么，我只是使用了它們本身。

作為一名藝術(shù)家，我會把我的回憶用作素材，因此我不想把自己和過去完全割裂開來，而是想從另一個角度來看待我的過去，從一個成人的角度，而不是總是從一個青春期女孩的角度。我已經(jīng)快50歲了，不想再做一個大喊大叫的小女生。我希望在生活中找到一些平衡，一些“中間地帶”，但同時我又不想變得乏味。你知道，我想要做個……我認(rèn)為“成長”一詞比較合適，成長并且向前發(fā)展。

我是個很有激情的人，我是……你知道的，我的情感很豐富。我們都有情感，但我的情感會釋放出來，像我的一個朋友所說的，我顯然在控制自己情緒方面有點問題。你知道，我總是在不斷地說真話，總是說些不該說的話。但我的創(chuàng)作一直都圍繞著那些與很多人密切相關(guān)的主題。我現(xiàn)在仍關(guān)注著那些主題，仍然以它們來創(chuàng)作，但也許是以一種不同的方式，一種更為深入的方式?；蛟S這已經(jīng)使我精疲力竭了。可以說這個大喊大叫的小女生已經(jīng)耗盡了她的精力。如今我不得不坐下來思考“我還有什么，還能用什么來創(chuàng)作？”現(xiàn)在我能用于創(chuàng)作的是我的雙手，我關(guān)于視覺藝術(shù)的知識，還有我對藝術(shù)史的熱愛。

我認(rèn)為美術(shù)館是新的藝術(shù)殿堂，新的教堂，而所有的藝術(shù)，無論是在教堂里還是在美術(shù)館里，都能夠帶給人們……藝術(shù)是一個供心靈進(jìn)行沉思的空間，這一點很重要，這也是藝術(shù)的美和重要性所在。