陌生人之所見

I like to have a good plan. I like everything all worked out. Of course， it isnt always， but I like it better when things are. So when I realized that my wife and I both had meetings on the same night that wouldnt overlap but would come really close and that the near overlap would happen at dinnertime， I decided to hang out with my five-year-old near my wifes meeting and then hand her off before mine， just as my wifes ended. It was one of those moments in scheduling that feels like a really good idea， but you cant hold onto it too tight because the potential for the whole thing falling apart is too great.

My daughter and I chose to spend our almost-hour together going out for burritos， because it was dinnertime. With a reminder that the restaurant was busy and she needed to be sure to “turn your ears on，” we were in the door. She was out of my sight within minutes， helping herself to a cup of water， so I ordered our dinner to go so wed have a bag in case we needed a quick escape.

We sat down at the window. We waited for our number to be called. Then we waited some more for our burritos to cool off enough to eat. We played The Restaurant Game. Its our new favorite. We usually order milk and water and while she closes her eyes， I put the straw in her mouth and she takes a sip to “guess” which one she is drinking. She thinks its hilarious. The burrito place serves blue and yellow tortilla chips. Perfect for The Restaurant Game. Blue and yellow tortilla chips taste the same so its extra hilarious when I get my guess wrong.

We chatted. We played. We ate dinner. And chatted some more. I didnt look at my phone. She listened and didnt argue with me. It was really close to being perfect.

After dinner， the woman next to us turned to me and said， “Im sorry. I dont mean to eavesdrop here. But I just have to say that I really love how you and your daughter are interacting. I enjoyed listening to you talk to each other. Youre doing a great job.”

Or something like that. I cant really remember because I had one of those moments when you sort of cant hear anything being said because you cant believe its actually happening. Did someone sitting near us at a restaurant actually tell us that we were doing a good job？ She wasnt trying to correct me？ Or tell my kid to quiet down？ Or judge my parenting in some way？

How does a parent respond to such encouragement？

Has this ever happened to any parent ever？

The woman in the restaurant was right. We were having a good moment. She caught it. And she made sure I saw it. Because she knows that those hard moments are just so hard.

I know that too.

The woman didnt see me arguing with my daughter for an hour that morning. She didnt hear the shouting. The disrespect. She wasnt there when my kid tried to hit the cat and I lost my temper. She didnt hear me ask her to go to her room and count to 50 to try and calm down. She didnt hear her crying， because she was so frustrated with the morning that she forgot how to count.

Sitting there at a lovely dinner， I hadnt forgotten that morning. I knew how the day had started and the very careful balance this parenting act can be. The volume of our dinner was a lot lower than that of our morning. The volume of lovely is like that， isnt it？ Its quieter. Smaller. Those hard moments are always so loud. So easy to remember. So easy to hold onto.

Sometimes it takes a stranger at a restaurant to turn the volume up on the lovely a bit.

我喜歡做好計(jì)劃。我喜歡所有事情都按計(jì)劃進(jìn)行。當(dāng)然了，我并不總是如愿，但當(dāng)事情真能按計(jì)劃進(jìn)行時(shí)，我會很開心。一次，我和妻子在同一晚都要開會，時(shí)間并不重疊但非常接近，而且接近重疊的時(shí)間點(diǎn)恰好發(fā)生在晚飯時(shí)間。當(dāng)我意識到這一點(diǎn)后，我便決定先和我那五歲的孩子到妻子會議地點(diǎn)附近閑逛，然后在我的會議開始之前——正好在她的會議剛剛結(jié)束之后——將孩子交到她的手上。這便是做好計(jì)劃讓你感覺很棒的那種時(shí)刻，但你不能完全嚴(yán)格地按行程走，因?yàn)樽屇銤M盤皆輸?shù)目赡苄詫?shí)在是太大了。

我和我的女兒選擇用將近一個(gè)鐘頭的時(shí)間，一起出去吃墨西哥卷，因?yàn)槟菚赫峭盹垥r(shí)間。想著妻子提醒我說這家餐館很火爆，想著她要求我確保“時(shí)刻留意（手機(jī)）響聲”的時(shí)候，我們已經(jīng)到了門口。幾分鐘的工夫我就看不到我的女兒了，原來她已經(jīng)拿著一杯水在喝了，所以我點(diǎn)了外帶食物，預(yù)備好一個(gè)袋子，以防我們需要快速離開。

我們坐在窗邊等叫號。然后我們再多等一會兒，讓墨西哥卷冷卻一下好入口。這期間我們玩起了“餐館游戲”——這是我們的新寵。我們通常會點(diǎn)牛奶和水。她閉上眼睛，我把吸管放到她的嘴里，她吸一小口，然后“猜猜”她喝的是什么。她覺得這游戲很好玩。這家餐館提供藍(lán)色和黃色的墨西哥炸玉米片，簡直就是為“餐館游戲”量身定做的。藍(lán)色和黃色的玉米片嘗起來是一個(gè)味兒，所以我要是猜錯(cuò)的話，那就更好玩兒了。

我們聊天、玩鬧、吃晚餐，再聊了一會兒天。我沒有查看我的手機(jī)。她沒有和我爭論，很聽話。幾近完美的一餐。

飯后，鄰座的一位女士轉(zhuǎn)過來對我說道：“不好意思，我不是有意在這里偷聽的。但我不得不說我真的很喜歡你與你女兒的互動。聽你倆的對話很享受。你這個(gè)爸爸做得真好。”

或者是類似的話，我無法準(zhǔn)確記住。因?yàn)槲姨幵谶@樣一個(gè)時(shí)刻，一個(gè)你幾乎聽不到什么話的時(shí)刻，因?yàn)槟悴桓蚁嘈潘娴陌l(fā)生了。在餐館里，真的有一個(gè)鄰座說我們做得很好？她沒企圖糾正點(diǎn)什么？或者叫我的孩子安靜點(diǎn)？或者在某些方面評判我的教育方式？

為人父母者要對這樣的鼓勵(lì)做出怎樣的反應(yīng)？別的家長有過類似的經(jīng)歷嗎？

餐館里的那位女士說得沒錯(cuò)。我們確實(shí)很享受那段愉快的時(shí)光。她捕捉到了，也確保我能看到。因?yàn)樗滥切┰愀鈺r(shí)刻有多糟。

我也知道。

那個(gè)女士沒有看到那天早晨我和我女兒爭吵了一個(gè)鐘。她沒聽到那些吼叫，那種粗暴的行為。當(dāng)我的小孩企圖毆打小貓，而我大發(fā)脾氣時(shí)，她不在場。她沒聽到我叫女兒去她的房間數(shù)到五十以平復(fù)情緒，她沒聽到我女兒的哭叫，那孩子是如此受挫以至于那天早上幾乎都不會數(shù)數(shù)了。

坐在那兒吃那頓愉快的晚餐時(shí)，我也沒有忘記那個(gè)早上。我知道那天是怎么開始的，也知道怎樣精心的教子行為才能達(dá)到這樣的平衡。我們晚餐時(shí)的說話音量比早晨時(shí)的小了很多。愛的音量應(yīng)該就是這樣的，對嗎？更柔和，更小聲。那些糟糕的時(shí)刻總是那么刺耳，太容易記住，太容易緊抓不放。

有時(shí)候，我們需要餐館里的一個(gè)陌生人為我們調(diào)高一點(diǎn)愛的音量。