一百萬個(gè)可能　Soraya Nadia McDonald

傅婧瑛

I found it.

我找到了。

I found a perfect movie for 4/20.Well，almost.

我找到了完美適合大麻愛好者的電影?；蛘哒f，近乎完美。

It's Space Jam（minus the treacly R.Kelly theme that doesnt even match the tone of the movie）.

那就是《空中大灌籃》（當(dāng)然要去年R.Kelly那首和電影風(fēng)格根本不符的膩歪的主題曲）。

But Space Jam is an accidental stoner classic.Its a kids movie that just happens to be the perfect mix of hilarious，fantastical，riveting and disturbing when watched while one is stoned out of ones gourd.The stakes revolve around slavery.Slavery！Imagine if its forthcoming sequel took that energy and made it intentional.

不過《空中大灌籃》卻是一個(gè)意外的大麻電影經(jīng)典。這本是一個(gè)給小孩子看的電影，卻將搞笑，異想天開，引人入勝和讓人反感完美地結(jié)合了一起，特別適合神魂顛倒的大麻愛好者。故事的主題是奴隸制，奴隸制！想象一下未來的續(xù)集會(huì)不會(huì)特意把這個(gè)話題擺在臺(tái)面上。

If Space Jam 2 possesses the hallmark phantasmagoria of its director，Terence Nance，it ought to leave sober viewers wondering if theyve accidentally ingested shrooms.

如果《空中大灌籃2》保留以奇幻場景聞名的導(dǎo)演特倫斯·南斯，神志清醒的觀眾看電影時(shí)一定會(huì)產(chǎn)生疑問，導(dǎo)演是不是吃了致幻蘑菇？

Which gives me great hope that besides being a multiple NBA-championship—winning philanthropist who builds schools and produces documentaries that shine a light on those least illuminated，LeBron James could end up producing and starring in the best stoner flick since The Big Lebowski.LeBron has the range.And we deserve.

這不禁讓我充滿希望，擁有多枚NBA總冠軍戒指，修建了學(xué)校，拍攝了紀(jì)錄片讓世界了解小人物的慈善家勒布朗·詹姆斯，會(huì)不會(huì)監(jiān)制并主演自《勒布斯基老大》后最好的大麻電影。勒布朗有這個(gè)能力，我們也值得這樣的電影。

This week，I busied myself with a bit of public service journalism.I went on the hunt for the perfect black stoner flick and kept coming up disappointed.Maybe they dont existyet.They should.

本周，為了公眾利益，我開始了認(rèn)真的新聞寫作。我去尋找最完美的黑人大麻電影，但總是失望而歸。也許這樣的電影不存在，但這樣的電影早該問世了。

But until that day comes，lets revisit what makes Space Jam an excellent stoner film.

可在那一天到來前，還是讓我們重溫《空中大灌籃》這部出色的大麻電影吧。

In Space Jam-which somehow required not one，not two，not three，but FOUR sereenwriters—like an epic adaptation of Doctor Faustus，Michael Jordan has retired from basketball and has moved on to baseball.He has a bulldog named Charles.（As in Charles BARK-ley，get it？）At the same time Michael is making this career transition，a group of aliens from a place called Moron Mountain descends upon Cartoon World，which is the home of Bugs Bunny，Porky Pig，Tweety Bird，the Tasmanian Devil，the Road Runner，Lola Bunny，Elmer Fudd，Daffy Duck，Yosemite Sam，Marvin the Martian，the weird rooster with the Southern accent and one elderly white granny.（Among elements that go unexplained：why the male-to-female ratio in Cartoon Land is so screwy.）

《空中大灌籃》——這個(gè)電影需要不止一個(gè)，不止兩個(gè)不止三個(gè)，而是四個(gè)編劇——就像改編版的《浮士德博士》，邁克爾·喬丹從籃球場退役，來到了棒球場，他有一只名叫查爾斯的斗牛犬（查爾斯·咆克利，懂？）。在喬丹適應(yīng)職業(yè)變化時(shí)，一群來自笨蛋山的外星人來到了卡通世界，也就是兔八哥，豬小弟，翠迪鳥，塔斯馬尼亞魔鬼，跑跑者，蘿拉兔，雞蛋頭艾默，達(dá)菲鴨，山姆大叔，火星人馬文，有著南方口音的奇怪以及一個(gè)白人老奶奶的家。（還有個(gè)問題沒法解釋：為什么卡通世界里的男女比例這么失調(diào)。）

The Alien Moron Imperialists look like what might result if a person used CRISPR to splice together the DNA of a cockroach，a toucan and a guinea pig.Theyre not that bright，but they have guns.They say things like.“You.All of you are now our prisoners：”

擁護(hù)帝制的笨蛋外星人看起來就像有人重組基因序列將蟑螂，大嘴烏和豚鼠的DNA結(jié)合在一起造出來的生物。他們不聰明，但有槍。他們說：“你，你們所有人都是我們的囚犯。”

“Were taking you to our theme park in outer space：”

“我們要把你們帶到外太空我們的主題公園里?！?/p>

“Nofood.”

“沒飯吃?！?/p>

“Where you will be our slaves and placed on display for the amusement of our paying customers.”

The aliens basically declare that theyre establishing a triangular trade between Moron Mountain，Earth and Cartoon Land，which seems to be located somewhere between the Earths crust and mantle，given that Jordan ends up there after hes shrunken and swallowed into a putting green hole.

“你們?cè)谀菚?huì)成為我們的奴隸，展示給我們的付費(fèi)用戶。”外星人說的就是，他們?cè)诒康吧?，地球和卡通世界間建立了一個(gè)三角貿(mào)易區(qū)，位置差不多就在地球的地殼和地幔之間，因?yàn)閱痰たs小后被吸進(jìn)了一個(gè)綠色的洞里。

The Looney Tunes，faced with an existential crisis and no means to defend themselves（except maybe Elmers shotgun，which no one bothers to try shooting），hatch a deal with the aliens.

“Give us a chance to defend ourselves，”they request.With a basketball game.

《華納巨星總動(dòng)員》里的卡通角色面臨著生存危機(jī)，又沒有自我保護(hù)能力（除了雞蛋頭的獵槍，但似乎沒人想著開槍），于是他們和外星人達(dá)成了一項(xiàng)協(xié)議?！敖o我們一個(gè)保護(hù)自己的機(jī)會(huì)。”他們提出要求。用一場籃球賽保護(hù)自己。

OK，there is actually some defensible logic here.The aliens are about the size of guinea pigs and the Looney Tunes are…taller.The odds should be in their favor.Still，the only thing lying between Porky，Tasmanian Devil，Lola，Tweety，etc.，and ending up like Sarah Baartman is…basketball？Thats a bit of a head-scratcher.

好吧，這里的邏輯還是說得通的。外星人差不多和豚鼠一樣大，而卡通角色們……挺高。勝利的天平應(yīng)該倒向卡通角色們。但是阻攔豬小弟，塔斯馬尼亞魔鬼，蘿拉兔，翠迪鳥等變成活展品的唯一障礙是……籃球？這就讓人撓頭了。

The aliens take the deal then set about sucking the talent out of a bunch of NBA players for their own use.

外星人同意了，吸收了一系列NBA球員的能力為自己所用。

So Muggsy Bogues，Charles Barkley and Patrick Ewing discover that theyve become instantly terrible at basketball，and they have no idea why.And because“alien body snatchers leeching off black peoples talent so they Can win the rights to enslave some other people” doesnt exactly present itself as an obvious explanation，the rest of the NBA is shook.The other players start wearing gas masks to avoid the mysterious bacterial contagion thats going around rendering NBA players useless.

就這樣，“小蟲”博格斯，查爾斯·巴克利和帕特里克·尤因發(fā)現(xiàn)自己的籃球水平變得非常糟糕，但他們也搞不清楚原因。再加上似乎沒人想得到“外星人為了贏得奴役他人的權(quán)利而吸走黑人能力”這個(gè)原因，整個(gè)NBA都震驚了，其他球員為了防止被神秘的細(xì)菌感染變成廢人而戴上了防毒面具。

Again，weve arrived at this point because the only thing standing between the Looney Tunes and slavery is a basketball game.So the Looney Tunes shrink Jordan and suck him down the hole of a putting green when hes out playing golf with Larry Bird，the publicist of his new baseball team.and Bill Murray.

就這樣，我們又一次來到阻止卡通人物變成奴隸只差一場籃球賽的節(jié)點(diǎn)。所以，當(dāng)喬丹和拉里·伯德以及他的新棒球隊(duì)公關(guān)比爾·默瑞一起打高爾夫球時(shí)，卡通人物把喬丹縮小，吸進(jìn)了高爾夫球場里的洞里。

Can we just take a minute to recognize that Jordan has terrible friends in this movie？Not a one of them tries to save him.

我們能不能抽出一分鐘好好想想，喬丹在這部電影里交的都是什么朋友？沒有一個(gè)人想著去救他。

JORDAN NOT ONLY SAVES THE LOONEY TUNES FROM SLVERY，HE MANAGES TO REPOSSESS THE TALENT OF BOGUES，EWING AND BARKLEY AND RETURN IT.THE FAT CAT GOES RICOCHETING INTO OUTER SPACE，JORDAN GOES BACK TO BASKETBALL，AND THEN IN PIPES THE COMICALLY INCONGRUOUS“I BELIEVE I CAN FLY.”

喬丹不僅拯救了卡通人物，他還拿回了博格斯，尤因和巴克利的能力并還給了他們。肥貓被射向太空，喬丹回到籃球場，這時(shí)出現(xiàn)了不合時(shí)宜的《我相信我能飛》這首歌。

With Jordan firmly ensconcedin Looney Tunes Land， BugsBunny explains why he and hisfriends have sucked the greatestbasketball player of all time intomiddle-earth： “You see， thesealiens come from outer spaceand they want to make us slavesin their theme park. Eh， what dowe care. Theyre little. So thenwe challenge them to a basketballgame. But then they show up andthey aint so little. Theyre HUGE！We need to beat these guys！Cause theyre talkin slavery！Theyre gonna make us do standupcomedy. The same jokes， everynight， for all eternity. What Imtrying to say is， WE NEED YOURHEEEEEEEEEEELP.”

喬丹到了卡通世界，兔八哥解釋了他和朋友為什么要把史上最偉大的籃球運(yùn)動(dòng)員吸到地球中間：“你看，這些外星人來自太空，他們想把我們變成他們主題公園的奴隸。我們怕什么呢，他們那么小。但他們變大了！我們需要打敗這些家伙！因?yàn)樗麄冋f的是奴隸！他們要把我們變成單口喜劇演員。同樣的笑話，每天晚上講一遍，永遠(yuǎn)永遠(yuǎn)講下去。我要說的是，我們需要你的幫助！”

This bit of exposition is accompanied by an image of Bugs Bunny attached to a ball and chain，shucking and jiving against his will across a stage. How did we miss all the racial subtext packed into this movie？

做這個(gè)解釋時(shí)，是兔八哥被鎖在鐵球和鐵鏈上，被迫在舞臺(tái)上表演的畫面。我們?cè)趺茨芎鲆曔@個(gè)電影里隱含的種族隱喻呢？

The'roided-up body snatcher aliens，now known as the Monstars，are not so impressed by Jordan.

個(gè)個(gè)人高馬壯被稱為“怪物”的外星人，卻不太看得上喬丹。

“You heard of the Dream Team？”one asks.“Well，were the Mean Team.”

“你聽說過夢(mèng)之隊(duì)嗎？”其中一個(gè)怪物說，“我們是惡之隊(duì)。”

And then they proceed to ball up Jordan like he doesnt have bones，or ligaments，or a spinal cord，and dribble him around a two-dimensional basketball court.

接著，他們把喬丹看作個(gè)沒有骨頭，韌帶或者脊椎的人，在一個(gè)二維籃球場上圍著喬丹運(yùn)球。

Meanwhile，onthe surface of Earth，a doctor is asking Ewing if hes been experiencing impotence since he lost his talent.This movie is wild.

同時(shí)在地面上，一個(gè)醫(yī)生問尤因，失去籃球能力后他有沒有出現(xiàn)過陽痿。這電影太狂野了。

Anyway， once Jordans regained his natural shape， he sends Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck to search his house for his lucky Carolina shorts and his shoes，because you cant play basketball against a team of body-snatching aliens in golf spikes. That would be preposterous.

總而言之，當(dāng)喬丹恢復(fù)正常身型后，他派兔八哥和達(dá)菲鴨去自己家，找他的幸運(yùn)卡羅萊納短褲和球鞋，畢竟沒人能穿著一身高爾夫裝備和搶了別人能力的外星人打籃球賽。

It turns out theres a comically evil， cigar-smoking alien fat cat （voiced by Danny DeVito） who is forcing the Morons to steal the essences of black people， play this game against the Looney Tunes and win. （Way to let the Alien Imperialist Morons off the hook，writers. Turns out they were only following orders?。?/p>

事后證明，一個(gè)長相滑稽，抽著雪茄的外星肥貓（丹尼·德維托配音）才是強(qiáng)迫笨蛋山人偷走黑人能力，和卡通角色打比賽并贏球的幕后黑手。（費(fèi)了好大勁終于幫笨蛋山人甩鍋了，原來他們只是聽別人的命令?。?/p>

Even with Jordan on their side， the Tune Squad is awful.But at halftime， down 66-20， all of the Tune Squad gets a hit of a mysterious bottle labeled “Michaels Secret Stuff.” They start scoring and playing incredible defense to close the gap to 68-66. Jordan informs his teammates his “secret stuff” is actually just water， leading them to believe in themselves.

即便有喬丹，卡通隊(duì)也很爛。但半場20比62落后，喝到了寫著“邁克爾的神秘物質(zhì)”的神秘液體。他們開始得分，打出不可思議的防守，將差距縮小到66比68。喬丹告訴隊(duì)友，“神秘物質(zhì)”只是水，作用只是讓他們相信自己。

The game ends with the Tune Squad winning， 78-77. Jordan not only saves the Looney Tunes from slavery， he manages to repossess the talent of Bogues， Ewing and Barkley and return it. The fat cat goes ricocheting into outer space，Jordan goes back to basketball，and then in pipes the comically incongruous “I Believe I Can Fly.”

比賽以卡通隊(duì)78比77取勝結(jié)束。喬丹不僅拯救了卡通人物，他還拿回了博格斯，尤因和巴克利的能力并還給了他們。肥貓被射向太空，喬丹回到籃球場，這時(shí)出現(xiàn)了不合時(shí)宜的《我相信我能飛》這首歌。

Thats it.Thats the（nearly）perfect4/20 movie.

電影就這樣結(jié)束了。一部（接近）完美的大麻電影。

Time to roll another spliff.

是時(shí)候抽一口了。

①一種電影類型，通指一個(gè)喜劇中的主要人物以莫名其妙的邏輯和乖張的行徑來處理事情所產(chǎn)生的各種意外是劇情發(fā)展的主線，這樣的電影都可被稱為大麻電影。