A Hazy First Love

By Yu Dafu

Young Boy's Puppy Love

As the youngest pupil in the class, I didn't find it interesting at all when my classmates whispered and chuckled about the love affairs between men and women after the teacher left the classroom. Speaking of love, I knew I was ignorant. Furthermore, as I was accustomed to solitude since childhood and grew up in an impoverished family, my shyness had turned me into a shrinking violet.

At that time, there were three girls known for their fashionconsciousness and graceful manners in our class. One of them, the niece of a local Shanghai billionaire named Zhao, lived closest to my house. The other two girls, born with a silver spoon in their mouth, were her neighbors.

Zhao, fair-skinned and ovalfaced, was always dressed in the latest fashion because of her wealthy family background and her frequent visits to her uncle. Even the materials of her dresses were new to me. The other two girls were just as pretty and fashionconscious. As close neighbors, they were always together, actively strengthening ties. They were as open-minded as today's new women, so boys filed into their houses for fun or loyally stood in the doorway, waiting for their chance.

I was timid and a little reserved—I knew little about relationships and held a belief that an educated person who was always with girls would end up being a shameless loser. After all, I was a disciple of Eden, who could neither swallow nor spit out the apple lump stuck in the throat. However, my interest for girls was like the budding grass beneath the thick snow, expecting the early arrival of the spring even during wintertime. To be honest, I was almost choked by desire when I came across any one of them on the way or just happened to pass by their house.

Zhao was the girl on my young mind for two consecutive years.

My Love Revealed

As I lived close to her, we often had chances to meet each other. She would normally greet me with a girlish smile and a gentle nod as she did to any other classmates, but I felt as ifi had committed an unpardonable crime. Whenever I met her, my head would spin and my heart would pound for nearly half an hour like a caged rabbit.

My feelings for her, like a pure crystal kept tight in a casket, somehow betrayed themselves eventually, and my classmate sitting on my left read my mind. On a Saturday afternoon after class, he seized me by the hand and told me, “This afternoon Zhao will go to Qianer's house. Would you like to join them together with me?” Qianer was one of Zhao's neighbors and besties. Understanding his meanings, I blushed with embarrassment immediately and panted heavily with shame. I replied haltingly as I shook my head like a rattle—I dreaded going. My nervousness almost brought me to tears. However, he seemed to hear my inner voice, and dragged me out of school as if I wished to.

Standing in the doorway of Qianer's house, there was another round of hesitation, but before I knew it, he called out and the three girls rushed out at once with smiles on their faces. Since I was pushed in front of them, I had to summon up my courage to go ahead. I entered with my head lowered and cheeks flushed, like a criminal to be taken to the execution ground.

They played Chinese dominoes (a tile-based game), and I seated behind my friend. My eyes settled on the tiles, but my furtive glance found its way to the two girls' lovely faces from time to time. After many rounds of games and dinner provided by Qianer's mother, I became closer to them, and eventually engaged with them in conversation.

When we left, Qianer's mother lit up a lantern and asked me to send Zhao back home. After that night, I had joined my friend to pay frequent visits to Zhao's, as well as the other two girls' houses. However, shy as I was by nature and with final exams approaching, I didn't meet them as often as my friend did.

Sadness from Separation

On the night of the thirteenth day of the Lunar New Year in 1909 (the first year of the last emperor Xuantong) when I was fourteen years old, the school laid out five tables of food for graduates after we were granted diplomas at our graduation ceremony.

The moonlight was wonderful that night, and the weather was as warm as in late February or early March. The entire city was drowned in a pleasant din of fireworks in celebration of the lantern festival. After drinking a few cups of liquor, I found myself in a state of burning ecstasy. With a clear moon hanging high overhead, my feet carried me out of school straight down to Zhao's house.

Her mother and the housemaid had left for the market to do grocery shopping and get candles and fruit for the lantern festival. I entered the house, and she was there by a table practicing calligraphy by herself under a kerosene lamp, with long braided hair gracefully reaching down behind her. Hearing my footsteps, she asked in a casual voice without looking up, “Who's there?”

I held my breath purposely and tiptoed over to her back when I blew out the kerosene lamp with a quick short breath. All of a sudden, the south-facing room was thrown into a pool of pure moonlight. With a sharp scream she looked back.

In a moment, I gazed at her marble-like delicate face and black-crystal-like eyes against the moonlight. Driven by a keen urge, I stuck out my hands to seize her by the arms.

She turned speechless and I kept silent. She remained seated and I stood right before her. Her beaming eyes jumped between me and the moon, and my smiling look swept between her and the yard. Alone together in the moonlit darkness, we spent delightful hours that I had never found so sweet before, without the slightest hint of flirtation or ill intention.

After a long silence under the moonlight, she eventually started talking to enliven the situation,“You had some liquor just now?”

“Yes, I did. There was a graduation banquet.” Now I let go of my hands, sitting down into a chair beside her.

“You'll go to Hangzhou tomorrow to take the high-school entrance exam, right?” She paused before asking softly.

“Yes. I'll set out in the morning by boat.”

Bashful speechlessness followed until the conversation between her mother and the housemaid became clear. She struck a match to light up the kerosene lamp.

Having entered the living room, her mother made some congratulatory remarks about my graduation. I also told her about my Hangzhou trip. After a little small talk for less than half an hour, I bade them farewell and left.

On my way back home in the shadows of willow trees against the moonlight, I recollected the delightful moment when Zhao and I exchanged gazes. Meanwhile, a feeling of lovesickness as thin as water began to stir in me.

(From A Prose Selection of Chinese Classics, China Yanhuang Publishing House. Translation: Wang Wen)

Editor's note: This essay is abridged with subtitles added by the editor.

水樣的春愁

文/郁達(dá)夫

Yu Dafu (1896-1945), popular short-story writer of the 1920s in China, one of the founding members of the Creation Society, which was devoted to the promotion of modern literature.

稚童生暗戀

一班之中，我的年齡算最小，所以自修室里，當(dāng)監(jiān)課的先生走后，另外的同學(xué)們?cè)诿苷Z著哄笑著的關(guān)于男女的問題，我簡(jiǎn)直一點(diǎn)兒不覺得有趣。從性知識(shí)發(fā)育落后這點(diǎn)上說，我承認(rèn)自己混沌無知。又因自小就習(xí)于孤獨(dú)、困于家境的結(jié)果，怕羞的心，畏縮的性，更使我的膽量變得異常的小。

當(dāng)時(shí)，同年輩的女性，裝飾入時(shí)，態(tài)度豁達(dá)，為大家所稱道的，有三個(gè)。一個(gè)是上海富甲一邑的商人趙某的侄女，她住得離我最近。還有兩個(gè)，也是富有人家的女兒；她們倆，卻都是我那位同學(xué)的鄰居。

趙家少女，皮色實(shí)在白皙不過，瓜子臉；更因?yàn)榧依镉袔讉€(gè)錢，又時(shí)常上上海叔父家去走動(dòng)的緣故，衣服式樣新異自不必說，就是做衣服的料子，也都是我們所不曾見過的。另外的兩個(gè)女孩，相貌更是完整，衣飾也盡夠美麗，且因?yàn)樗齻z住址接近，常在一起，膽子大，認(rèn)識(shí)人也多。她們當(dāng)時(shí)已經(jīng)開放得很，有點(diǎn)像現(xiàn)代的自由女子了，因而上她們家里去鬼混，或到她們門前去守望的青年，林林總總，數(shù)量繁多。

我雖膽小，性知識(shí)完全沒有，且有點(diǎn)過分矜持，以為成日和女孩子們混在一道，是讀書人的大恥，是沒出息的行為，但到底還是一個(gè)亞當(dāng)?shù)暮笠?，喉頭的蘋果，怎么也吐它不出咽它不下，同北方厚雪地下的細(xì)草萌芽一樣，到得冬來，自然也難免得有些望春之意。老實(shí)說將出來，我偶爾在路上遇見她們中間的無論哪一個(gè)，或湊巧在她們門前走過的時(shí)候，心里也著實(shí)有點(diǎn)兒難受。

那位趙家少女，整整地惱亂了我兩年的童心。

心思被識(shí)破

我和她的住處較近，三天兩頭，總有見面機(jī)會(huì)。見面時(shí)，她同跟其他同年輩男孩打招呼一樣，對(duì)我微笑一下，點(diǎn)一點(diǎn)頭，但在我卻感覺如犯了大罪被人發(fā)覺，和她一見面，馬上變得頭昏耳熱，胸腔里的一顆心突突地總有半個(gè)鐘頭好跳。

同芭蕉葉似地重重包裹著的我

這一顆無邪的心，不知在什么地方，透露了消息，終于被課堂上坐在我左邊的那位同學(xué)看穿了。一個(gè)禮拜六的下午，落課之后，他輕輕地拉著我的手對(duì)我說：“今天下午，趙家的那個(gè)小丫頭，要上倩兒家去，你愿不愿意和我同去玩兒？”這里所說的倩兒，就是那兩位他鄰居的女孩子之中之一。我聽了他的這一句密語，立時(shí)就漲紅了臉，喘急了氣，囁嚅著不知怎樣回答他，盡在拼命地?fù)u頭，表示我不愿意去，同時(shí)眼睛里也水汪汪地想哭出來的樣子；而他卻似乎已經(jīng)看破了我的隱衷，得到我同意似地強(qiáng)力把我拖出了校門。

到了倩兒她們的門口，當(dāng)然又是一番爭(zhēng)執(zhí)，但經(jīng)他大聲一喊，門里的三個(gè)女孩，同時(shí)笑著跑了出來；已經(jīng)到了她們的面前，我也沒有什么別的辦法了，自然只好俯著首，紅著臉，同被綁赴刑場(chǎng)的死刑囚似地跟她們到了室內(nèi)。

看他們四人捏起了骨牌，我坐在我那位同學(xué)的背后，眼睛雖時(shí)時(shí)在注視著牌，但間或得著機(jī)會(huì)，也著實(shí)向她們的臉部偷看了許多次數(shù)。等她們的輸贏賭完，一餐東道的夜飯吃過，我也居然和她們伴熟，有說有笑了。

臨走時(shí)，倩兒的母親還派了我一個(gè)差使，點(diǎn)上燈籠，要我把趙家的女孩送回去。此后，我也居然入了我那同學(xué)的伙，不時(shí)上趙家和另外兩女孩家溜達(dá)；可是生來膽小，又加以畢業(yè)考試臨近，我和她們的來往，終沒有像我那位同學(xué)似地繁密。

悵然傷別離

我十四歲那年春天（一九〇九，宣統(tǒng)元年己酉），是舊歷正月十三的晚上，學(xué)堂里白天發(fā)給我畢業(yè)文憑及增生執(zhí)照之后，就在大廳上擺起了五桌送別畢業(yè)生的酒宴。

這一晚的月亮好得很，天氣也溫暖得像二三月的樣子。滿城爆竹聲，是在慶祝新年的上燈佳節(jié)，我喝了幾杯酒后，心里也感到了一種不能抑制的歡欣。出了校門，踏著月亮，我的雙腳，便自然而然地走向了趙家。

她們的女仆陪她母親上街去買蠟燭水果等過元宵的物品去了，推門進(jìn)去，我只見她一個(gè)人拖著了一條長長的辮子，坐在大廳上的桌子邊上洋燈底下練習(xí)寫字。聽見我的腳步聲，她頭也不抬起來看一眼，只慢聲地問了一聲：“是誰？”

我故意屏著聲，提著腳，輕輕地走到了她的背后，一使勁一口就把她面前的那盞洋燈吹滅了。月光如潮水似地浸滿了這一座朝南的大廳，她于一聲尖叫之后，馬上就把頭轉(zhuǎn)了過來。

我在月光里看見了她那張大理石似的嫩臉，和黑水晶似的眼睛，覺得怎么也熬忍不住了，順勢(shì)就伸出了兩只手去，捏住了她的手臂。

她也不發(fā)一語，我也并無一言，她是扭轉(zhuǎn)了身坐著，我是向她立著的。她只微笑著看看我看看月亮，我也只微笑著看看她看看中庭的空處，雖然此處的動(dòng)作，輕薄的邪念，明顯的表示，一點(diǎn)兒也沒有，但不曉怎樣一般滿足，深沉、陶醉的感覺，竟同四周的月光一樣，包滿了我的全身。

兩人這樣在月光里沉默著相對(duì)，不知過了多久，終于她輕輕地開始說話了：“今晚上你在喝酒？”

“是的，是在學(xué)堂里喝的?！钡竭@里我才放開了兩手，向她邊上的一張椅子里坐了下去。

“明天你就要上杭州去考中學(xué)去么？”停了一會(huì)，她又輕輕地問了一聲。

“噯，是的，明朝坐快班船去。”

兩人又沉默著，不知坐了幾多時(shí)候，忽聽見門外頭她母親和女仆說話的聲音漸漸近了，她于是就忙著立起來擦洋火，點(diǎn)上了洋燈。

她母親進(jìn)到了廳上，放下了買來的物品，先向我說了些道賀的話，我也告訴了她，明天將離開故鄉(xiāng)到杭州去；談不上半點(diǎn)鐘的閑話，我就匆匆告辭出來了。

在柳樹影里披了月光走回家來，我一邊回味著剛才在月光里和她兩人相對(duì)時(shí)的沉醉似的恍惚，一邊在心底里，忽兒又感到了一點(diǎn)極淡極淡同水一樣的春愁。

（摘自《中華經(jīng)典散文》炎黃出版社）

編者注：本文有刪改，小標(biāo)題為編者所加。