迷失在社交媒體的自疑漩渦中，你怎么辦

The other day， I was so pleased with an apricot-almond smoothie I made that I decided to post it on Instagram. First， though， I browsed friends feeds. Fortyfive minutes later， I was almost dizzy from the endless slide show of the Perfect Life： one person serenely paddleboarding （“Got the hang of it after one lesson！”）， another lounging on a hotel bed （“Just had the Best. Massage. Ever.”）. Oh， and a smoothie—this one perched on a hibiscus-covered balcony overlooking a Caribbean beach. I grabbed my phone and deleted the photo of my now schlumpy drink.

These days， its gotten impossible to not feel like youre being one-upped online. You ran a 5K？ Big deal， when your co-worker posts pictures of her half marathon…for charity. Meanwhile， social media users have perfected the art of simultaneously moaning and boasting， aka moasting：“Someone just asked me what I was studying in college—hello， Im 34！”

I realize these posts and pretty pictures are often selected and edited. So why do I still have that constant， dispiriting feeling that my own life pales in comparison？ In fact， researchers are discovering that being immersed in everyone elses general awesomeness online can be mentally bad for you. A study from the University of Michigan showed that the more time we browse Facebook， the more our sense of well-being drops and lonely feelings jump. One German study reported that after people spent time on Facebook， a full one-third felt frustrated， upset， or envious.（Friends vacation snaps riled them up the most.）

This feeling is intensified as we increasingly take our relationships online， says psychologist Gregory Jantz， PhD， author of Hooked： The Pitfalls of Media， Technology， and Social Networking. “One of the biggest groups of Facebook users is women age 32 to 45，” he notes， “and about 35% of the younger ones admit that the first thing they do after they crawl out of bed， before they go to the bathroom， is check Facebook.” Adding to our neediness is the addictive—and sometimes maniacal—pursuit of “l(fā)ikes.” According to one consumer-trends survey， 62% of people say they feel better about themselves when others approve of something they post on social media. The flip side is the insecurity that creeps in when only a few people “l(fā)ike” your photo， and the jealousy you feel when a friends photo gets a flurry of thumbs-up.

Of course， its human nature to want to present your best self to the world. The ancient Egyptians threw on kohl liner and their most stylish linen tunic before hitting the market. “Theres something alluring about creating an online persona that says， ‘Im interesting， I have a well-kept home， I eat good food—this is my life！”says Andrea Bonior， PhD， adjunct professor of psychology at Georgetown University. “We look to our social media profiles to validate what we want to believe about ourselves.” Yet this fluff festival can lead to anxiety about being exposed as a fraud， as in living in fear that a high school pal will comment， “Haha， I remember when you had a much larger nose！” beneath your glamourous picture.

To end the jolts of jealousy， Jantz has a suggestion. When you read a post that leaves you feeling less than ideal， remember that we all scrupulously control our self-image. I know its true. Recently， I posted a picture of myself and someone commented， “You look amazing！”Well， yes； thats because I held the camera so high above my head （whereas if I look down at my phone， my reflection bears a startling likeness to Donald Trump）.

It also helps to be aware of what sets off self-doubt.“If you hate your old kitchen， maybe you shouldnt repeatedly check out Marys kitchen renovation，” Bonior says. My downfall is others fitness triumphs. A few shots of a friends cyclo-cross race are inspiring； scrolling through hundreds makes me think ‘Why bother？ and shuffle off to the couch. Timing is another trigger. I look at these fabulous pics before bed， when Im tired and need to decompress—exactly when I feel the most sensitive.

Another cyber solution is to fully get behind your posts. As Bonior says， “You can choose to use othersexperiences as a yardstick， or you can believe your standards are valid in and of themselves.” Also， back away from the computer—often. “Relationships are best conducted in real life，” Jantz says， “not 140-character sound bites.”

Jantzs words were on my mind when I saw a friends Instagram shots of a trip to Greece. Instead of caving in to jealousy， I called and told her that her photos were like a Ralph Lauren ad. She laughed and said， “Dont look too close or youll see that my eyes are red.” Ten minutes beforehand， she and her husband had had a big money fight； the trip， she conceded， was great but had been a costly mistake.

Now if insecurity sneaks up on me while Im online， I take it as a sign to switch gears and go for a run， make another unphotogenic smoothie or check out the YouTube clip my mother sent of， say， a squirrel eating an ice cream cone. Also， maybe Ill avoid Beyoncés Instagram account altogether.

前幾天，我對(duì)自己做的杏仁奶昔感到十分滿意，所以打算把它的照片傳到Instagram上。但在這之前，我先瀏覽了朋友們發(fā)的照片。四十五分鐘以后，我被那沒(méi)完沒(méi)了的“完美生活”幻燈片放映弄得頭暈?zāi)垦！?一個(gè)人沉穩(wěn)地劃著沖浪板（“上了一堂課后就學(xué)會(huì)了！”），另一個(gè)人慵懶地躺在一張酒店的床上（“剛剛享受了有生以來(lái)最棒的一次按摩。”）。天，還有一杯奶昔—— 一杯擺放在俯瞰著加勒比海灘，被木槿所覆蓋的陽(yáng)臺(tái)上的奶昔。我拿起手機(jī)刪掉了我這張此刻顯得蠢斃了的飲料照片。

如今，要在網(wǎng)上勝人一籌成為了不可能的事情。你跑了五公里？很了不起！但這時(shí)，你同事發(fā)了一些她跑半程馬拉松比賽的照片……還是慈善賽來(lái)著。同時(shí)，社交媒體的用戶已經(jīng)熟練掌握了一套通過(guò)抱怨來(lái)夸耀自己的說(shuō)話方式，明貶實(shí)褒的說(shuō)話方式：“有人剛剛問(wèn)了我正在讀什么專業(yè)——拜托，我三十四歲了！”

我知道這些帖子和漂亮的照片通常都是經(jīng)過(guò)精心挑選、美化編輯的。但為什么在與之比較下我還是會(huì)不可抑制地產(chǎn)生一種無(wú)盡的沮喪感，感覺(jué)自己的人生如此蒼白無(wú)力呢？事實(shí)上，研究人員發(fā)現(xiàn)，在網(wǎng)上讓自己陷在別人的美好生活中會(huì)對(duì)自己的心理健康有害。密歇根大學(xué)的一項(xiàng)研究表明，我們?yōu)g覽臉譜網(wǎng)的時(shí)間越長(zhǎng)，我們的幸福感就降得越低、孤獨(dú)感就升得越高。德國(guó)的一項(xiàng)研究表明，在我們上完臉譜網(wǎng)后，有整整三分之一的人會(huì)感到沮喪、郁悶、或者妒忌。（朋友的度假照片最能引起他們的惱怒。）

心理學(xué)家、博士、《上網(wǎng)成癮：媒體、科技、社交網(wǎng)絡(luò)的陷阱》的作者格雷戈里·詹茨稱，我們?cè)诰W(wǎng)上與人的交往越頻繁，這種感覺(jué)就越強(qiáng)烈。“三十二至四十五歲的女性是臉譜網(wǎng)最大的用戶群之一，” 他指出，“而年齡更小的人中有35%的人承認(rèn)，在他們掙扎起床后，上廁所前所做的第一件事就是查看他們的臉書(shū)?！倍覀儗?duì)別人“點(diǎn)贊”的沉溺，乃至瘋狂追求會(huì)增加我們的依賴感。一項(xiàng)消費(fèi)者傾向調(diào)查顯示，有62%的人說(shuō)當(dāng)有人為他們發(fā)在社交媒體的帖子點(diǎn)贊時(shí)，他們的自我感覺(jué)會(huì)更加良好。但消極的一面就是如果只有幾個(gè)人“贊”了他們的照片，不安全感就會(huì)悄然襲入他們的內(nèi)心，如果他們朋友的照片得到了很多“贊”，他們就會(huì)產(chǎn)生嫉妒感。

當(dāng)然，想把自己最好的一面呈現(xiàn)在世人眼前是人類(lèi)的天性。古埃及人在出門(mén)去集市前都會(huì)涂上濃黑的眼線，穿上他們最漂亮的亞麻布束腰外衣。“在網(wǎng)上創(chuàng)造出這樣一個(gè)人物形象：‘我為人風(fēng)趣，我家居雅致，我盡享美食——這就是我的生活！是件很有吸引力的事?！?喬治敦大學(xué)心理學(xué)系的兼職教授安德里亞·邦尼爾博士這樣說(shuō)道?！拔覀冎竿宰约旱纳缃幻襟w的人物檔案來(lái)證明我們就是自己心目中的那個(gè)人?！比欢@種無(wú)意義的狂歡活動(dòng)卻會(huì)引起被人揭穿你是個(gè)騙子的焦慮，因?yàn)槟憬K日惶惶，害怕來(lái)個(gè)高中同學(xué)在你那張迷人的照片底下評(píng)論：“呵呵，我記得你以前可是有個(gè)大鼻子的！”

要想杜絕這種嫉妒，詹茨有個(gè)建議。在你看到讓自己感覺(jué)不怎么好的帖子時(shí)，記住我們都是在小心翼翼地維護(hù)自己的形象的。我知道確有其事。最近，我發(fā)了一張自己的照片，有人評(píng)論道：“你看起來(lái)棒極了！”好吧，沒(méi)錯(cuò)，但那是因?yàn)槲野褦z像頭放在頭頂上拍的（然而，如果我從上往下看手機(jī)的話，我拍出的樣子會(huì)與唐納德·特朗普驚人地相似）。

意識(shí)到引起自我懷疑的因素也有所幫助。邦尼爾說(shuō)道：“如果你討厭自己的舊廚房，也許你就不應(yīng)該再三地查看瑪麗的廚房裝修?！?我的失敗愈加襯托出別人的成功。朋友的一些自行車(chē)越野賽的照片則能鼓舞人心；看了幾百?gòu)堈掌?，我?huì)這樣想：‘何必自尋煩惱，然后拖著步子走向沙發(fā)。時(shí)間的選擇也是一個(gè)觸發(fā)點(diǎn)。我在睡前看這些令人贊嘆的照片，那是我感覺(jué)疲憊、需要減壓的時(shí)候——也是我最敏感的時(shí)候。

另一個(gè)解決辦法是推遲你的發(fā)帖時(shí)間。正如邦尼爾所說(shuō)的那樣，“你可以選擇參考別人的經(jīng)歷作為準(zhǔn)繩，或者你可以相信自己的標(biāo)準(zhǔn)本身就是正確的?！贝送?，要經(jīng)常地遠(yuǎn)離電腦?！白詈迷诂F(xiàn)實(shí)生活中進(jìn)行人際交往，” 詹茨說(shuō)道，“而不是通過(guò)140個(gè)字的簡(jiǎn)短信息?！?/p>

當(dāng)我看到朋友發(fā)在Instagram上的一些希臘旅行照片時(shí)，我的腦海中就浮現(xiàn)出詹茨說(shuō)的這些話。我沒(méi)有陷入嫉妒的情緒中，我打電話跟她說(shuō)，她的照片看起來(lái)像是拉爾夫·勞倫的廣告。她笑著說(shuō)，“不要看得太仔細(xì)，不然你會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)我的眼睛泛紅。”十分鐘之前，她和丈夫剛剛為了錢(qián)大吵一架，她承認(rèn)這次旅程很棒，但是花費(fèi)實(shí)在是太高了。

如今，如果我在上網(wǎng)時(shí)不安全感來(lái)襲，我會(huì)把這當(dāng)成是一個(gè)要換換狀態(tài)的信號(hào)，然后去跑跑步，再做一杯不怎么上鏡的奶昔或者查看我母親傳給我的YouTube視頻，標(biāo)題是：一只吃著甜筒雪糕的松鼠。也許，我還會(huì)去關(guān)注碧昂絲的Instagram 賬號(hào)。