浙江省新高考英語寫作題型介紹及范例點(diǎn)評

陳科芳

編 者 按

《普通高等學(xué)校招生全國統(tǒng)一考試英語科考試說明（高考綜合改革試驗(yàn)省份試用）（第一版）》已經(jīng)公布。作為試點(diǎn)單位，浙江省對2016年10月份開始的新高考英語科目考試題型作了重大調(diào)整，其中英語寫作分為兩部分，共40分：第一部分為應(yīng)用文寫作（15分）；第二部分為讀后續(xù)寫或概要寫作（25分），兩種形式在不同考次不定期交替使用。對于應(yīng)用文寫作，廣大師生相對熟悉，但是讀后續(xù)寫或概要寫作是一種新題型，之前考試中考生并未接觸過。為方便廣大師生盡早熟悉這種題型，適應(yīng)相關(guān)變化，本刊特設(shè)學(xué)生習(xí)作點(diǎn)評欄目。我們先來分析讀后續(xù)寫這個題型。本次學(xué)生習(xí)作選自德清某高中。

題型介紹

1.選材特點(diǎn)

（1）所需閱讀的短文詞數(shù)在350以內(nèi)。

（2）多以記敘文故事類文章或者夾敘夾議類文章為主，故事情節(jié)有曲折、有起伏，但故事線索的邏輯性往往比較強(qiáng)。

2.續(xù)寫步驟

（1）仔細(xì)審題，明確續(xù)寫要求。一般短文后面的“注意”都有對此次短文續(xù)寫的具體要求，如字?jǐn)?shù)限制、使用幾處下畫線關(guān)鍵詞語、續(xù)寫段落的首句提示等。考生認(rèn)真體會此類信息，就能做到“心中有數(shù)”。

（2）精讀文章，確定文章線索。每篇文章都有各自獨(dú)特的寫作思路，通過精讀，就能找到該篇文章的寫作線索或者邏輯關(guān)聯(lián)，如以時間為線索或以空間為線索等。這樣，考生就可以“順藤摸瓜（結(jié)尾）”。

（3）回扣原文，揣摩續(xù)寫思路。根據(jù)文章后面的要求，再次快速回讀短文，以抓住文章的思路，并結(jié)合段首的提示語，最終確定續(xù)寫段落的思路，結(jié)合文章畫線詞語提示，確定續(xù)寫段落的內(nèi)容。

（4）擬寫草稿，修改錯詞病句。在確定了思路和內(nèi)容之后，最關(guān)鍵的就是結(jié)合提示語或者文中畫線的關(guān)鍵詞擬寫草稿。擬寫時，應(yīng)注意句子結(jié)構(gòu)的多樣性，語言的豐富性，并通過句與句之間連接詞的正確使用，使上下文連貫。

（5）標(biāo)出續(xù)寫部分中使用到的原材料中標(biāo)有下畫線的關(guān)鍵詞語。這一點(diǎn)可以幫助考生自己檢查關(guān)鍵詞的使用情況并根據(jù)情況做出修改。最后在謄寫文字時，務(wù)必做到“字跡工整、清晰”。

3.備考建議

面對讀后續(xù)寫這一新寫作題型，在了解其特點(diǎn)和寫作技巧之后，考生只要加以適度練習(xí)，對此新題型就可以做到得心應(yīng)手。幾點(diǎn)教學(xué)建議：

（1）增加故事型、記敘性文章的賞析和段落背誦，引導(dǎo)學(xué)生注意情節(jié)設(shè)置銜接、動詞的用法、動作的描述等，適當(dāng)增加新概念故事類文章的講解和背誦。要有大量合適的語言和文體材料的輸入，方能有所產(chǎn)出。要擴(kuò)大學(xué)生的閱讀量和閱讀面，多朗讀、背誦。建議充分利用記敘文故事類的閱讀理解或者完形填空：考生在做此類文章的試題時，讀到適當(dāng)?shù)奈恢?，可以短暫停止，根?jù)已讀部分文章的脈絡(luò)，對文章進(jìn)行發(fā)散思維，設(shè)想可能的幾種結(jié)尾，然后對照原文的結(jié)尾，看自己的設(shè)想是否與原文一致。

（2）設(shè)定主題類繼續(xù)段落的演練，加強(qiáng)詞匯句型的準(zhǔn)確熟練運(yùn)用，加強(qiáng)情節(jié)銜接的順暢。經(jīng)常實(shí)施微型化訓(xùn)練，也就是對所讀文章的某一段落進(jìn)行設(shè)想。根據(jù)某一段落的首句提示，結(jié)合文章的上文對該段進(jìn)行合理設(shè)想，具體推斷該段可能要講述的內(nèi)容。

（3）開展故事續(xù)寫類主題文章的大范圍練習(xí)，并進(jìn)行適度專題化練習(xí)，比如對同一篇開頭進(jìn)行不同類型或者思路的接續(xù)。需要注意的是，讀后續(xù)寫補(bǔ)全的是語篇，而非單詞或短語。與傳統(tǒng)寫作類似，續(xù)寫文章更加要注意句與句之間的連接詞，甚至是冠詞的暗示作用。如《考試說明》樣題中續(xù)寫部分的第二段“the Police Station”中的“the”表明在上一段中已經(jīng)提到，同時后面的“and”表明前后之間是并列關(guān)系。

（4）在平時的教學(xué)中，教師要幫助學(xué)生釋放創(chuàng)造力和想象力，激發(fā)其表達(dá)動機(jī)。在之前的閱卷過程中，筆者發(fā)現(xiàn)有創(chuàng)造力和想象力的作文很少，考生體現(xiàn)出來的知識面也比較窄。千篇一律、缺乏生氣，體現(xiàn)出考生跟其年齡和年代不太相稱的知識面和思維力。

（5）教學(xué)過程中，要進(jìn)行仿真模擬演練。建議教師嚴(yán)把字跡關(guān)，要求學(xué)生字跡工整清楚，盡可能美觀。對字?jǐn)?shù)要有比較嚴(yán)格的訓(xùn)練，不能太少，少則要扣分；也不宜太多，太多頁面容不下，影響完整性。教師可以在平時的訓(xùn)練中，就使用跟標(biāo)準(zhǔn)試卷一樣尺寸和規(guī)格的練習(xí)紙張，讓學(xué)生用這樣的仿真紙張練習(xí)，幫助他們養(yǎng)成好的書寫和版面習(xí)慣。千萬要記得讓考生養(yǎng)成在關(guān)鍵詞語下畫線的習(xí)慣，否則容易丟分。另外，檢查錯誤這個環(huán)節(jié)必不可少，可以通過自查糾正一些語法錯誤、時態(tài)問題或其他小的不足或不搭。

俗話說，熟能生巧。讀后續(xù)寫這一新題型的寫作也是如此。通過適度練習(xí)，可以進(jìn)一步熟知該題型的特色，更好地掌握該題型的寫作技巧，更有效地調(diào)動傳統(tǒng)寫作的基礎(chǔ)知識，從而寫出一篇優(yōu)美的續(xù)寫短文。

評卷提示

1.相關(guān)要求

《考試說明》提出了相關(guān)規(guī)定和要求，評卷過程中需要遵照執(zhí)行：

（1）與所給短文及段落開頭語的銜接程度。

（2）內(nèi)容的豐富性和對所給關(guān)鍵詞語的覆蓋情況。

（3）應(yīng)用語法結(jié)構(gòu)和詞匯的豐富性和準(zhǔn)確性。

（4）上下文的連貫性。

2.注意要點(diǎn)

（1）與應(yīng)用文不同，故事續(xù)寫型文章除了要求學(xué)生掌握準(zhǔn)確豐富的詞匯和句式外，還注重學(xué)生的內(nèi)容構(gòu)思和情節(jié)銜接的能力，注意上下文的連貫性。

（2）原文材料350詞以內(nèi)，所續(xù)寫短文的詞數(shù)應(yīng)為150左右（詞數(shù)少于130的，從總分中減去2分）。

（3）注意內(nèi)容的豐富性和對所標(biāo)出關(guān)鍵詞語的應(yīng)用。原文給出10處左右的標(biāo)有下畫線的關(guān)鍵詞語，所續(xù)寫短文應(yīng)使用5個以上。續(xù)寫完成后，需要用下畫線標(biāo)出所使用的關(guān)鍵詞語?？忌菀走z漏這一工作，從而造成不必要的失分。

（4）續(xù)寫部分分為兩段，每段的開頭語已為考生寫好。寫作時，考生應(yīng)注意與所給短文及段落開頭語的銜接程度。

3.考查能力

讀后續(xù)寫是一種將閱讀與寫作緊密結(jié)合的考查形式，旨在考查學(xué)生的綜合語言運(yùn)用能力。與應(yīng)用文不同，故事續(xù)寫除了要求學(xué)生掌握豐富的詞匯和句式外，還注重內(nèi)容構(gòu)思和情節(jié)銜接的能力。主要聚焦在以下四個方面：

一是把握短文關(guān)鍵信息和語言特點(diǎn)的能力。學(xué)生需要了解給定短文的主要內(nèi)容，清楚其關(guān)鍵詞和語言結(jié)構(gòu)的使用情況，并通過續(xù)寫短文表現(xiàn)出來。

二是語言運(yùn)用的準(zhǔn)確性和豐富性。期望學(xué)生在詞匯和語言結(jié)構(gòu)的使用方面準(zhǔn)確、恰當(dāng)，能夠根據(jù)內(nèi)容需要使用較為高級的詞匯和語言結(jié)構(gòu)。

三是對語篇結(jié)構(gòu)的把控能力?？疾閷W(xué)生對上下文邏輯關(guān)系的掌握情況，希望學(xué)生續(xù)寫的短文語句連貫、有序。

四是創(chuàng)造性思維能力。這是對學(xué)生續(xù)寫短文內(nèi)容的要求，期望學(xué)生續(xù)寫的短文具有較豐富的內(nèi)容。該試題具有一定的開放性，要求學(xué)生詳細(xì)生動地描述情景、態(tài)度和感情，符合課程標(biāo)準(zhǔn)的要求和學(xué)生的能力水平。

4.續(xù)寫特點(diǎn)

讀后續(xù)寫，簡言之，就是閱讀完一篇還未寫完的文章之后，根據(jù)要求和提示把這篇文章未寫完的部分補(bǔ)充完整，使之渾然一體。它一方面能很好地考查考生對所學(xué)語言知識的實(shí)際運(yùn)用能力，另一方面，它也能培養(yǎng)學(xué)生的發(fā)散思維能力。根據(jù)《考試說明》該部分的相關(guān)規(guī)定，結(jié)合專家的相關(guān)研究，總結(jié)讀后續(xù)寫特點(diǎn)如下：

（1）讀后續(xù)寫不是隨心所欲地寫，而是要在引導(dǎo)語（開頭語）和提示詞的幫助下完成續(xù)寫部分。如《考試說明》樣題中規(guī)定“應(yīng)使用5個以上短文中標(biāo)有下畫線的關(guān)鍵詞語（10處）”。這些關(guān)鍵詞語類似于傳統(tǒng)寫作中的要點(diǎn)提示，如人物、地點(diǎn)、事件等，但是不同點(diǎn)在于這些關(guān)鍵詞語并不是全用。這樣，考生可根據(jù)自己的理解選用關(guān)鍵詞，享有很大的自主權(quán)。另外，所續(xù)寫部分不能脫離各自段落的首句開頭語，即不能另起爐灶。這些開頭語與傳統(tǒng)寫作中的開頭語類似，在某種程度上引導(dǎo)考生的思路向哪方面發(fā)展。

（2）續(xù)寫短文多以記敘文故事類文章或者夾敘夾議類文章為主，故事情節(jié)有曲折、有起伏，但是，故事線索的邏輯性比較強(qiáng)。這樣，考生能夠根據(jù)提示詞語，順著原來文章的思路續(xù)寫文章，并適當(dāng)發(fā)散。

（3）讀后續(xù)寫要求讀寫并重。與閱讀理解題一樣，讀后續(xù)寫同樣需要精確理解所給文章，這樣所續(xù)寫部分才不至于偏離主題。就這方面而言，它有點(diǎn)類似閱讀理解題中對文章后續(xù)發(fā)展的推斷，如“What would happen next？”。

（4）所給文章的未完部分的思路和內(nèi)容并不一定是唯一的，考生可以根據(jù)自己對文章的理解，對文章的結(jié)尾有不同的詮釋。如《考試說明》中讀后續(xù)寫樣題的結(jié)尾，考生可以理解為這個年輕人是銀行搶劫者，而Arthur因此成為一個大英雄；考生也可以理解為這個年輕人不是一個銀行搶劫者，結(jié)果產(chǎn)生了誤會。

寫作范例

1.題目要求（滿分25分）

閱讀下面的短文，根據(jù)所寫情節(jié)進(jìn)行續(xù)寫，使之構(gòu)成一個完整的故事。

As he lay awake that night， Bebeto could hear his parents discussing his sister Ana’s birthday. It was just two days away. Birthdays were always a lot of fun， even though there was no money for store-bought gifts. Nearly all of toys he and his sister had were homemade. There was nothing wrong with that， he knew. Like many families in this part of Brazil， they were poor.

This birthday would be different， though. Ana was older now， and he’d seen how her eyes lit up when she saw the new doll at Zulma’s Presentes， a neighborhood store just down the road from their house.

How he longed for her to have it！ An idea finally came to him just before he went to bed. After a quick breakfast the following morning， he placed a tin can（錫罐） and a piece of string in a large bag.

Then he tied the bag to the handlebars of his bicycles and headed toward the outskirts（市郊） of town.

After a long journey， he reached his destination， the mango grove（小樹林）. There were already two other boys there. Bebeto grabbed his hag and set to work right away. The smaller trees had already been picked over pretty well， but he was able to find a half-dozen mangoes before noon.

When the sun was high overhead， the hard work began. Nearly all of the taller trees held ripe mangoes but they were well beyond reach. The other boys took their fruit and went away. Bebeto used his pocketknife to cut a long piece of bamboo. Then he took the tin can from the bag， tied it to one end of the bamboo stick， and walked over to the base of mature（成熟的） mango tree.

He stayed there， poking（捅） the tin can high up into the tree. His

efforts were occasionally rewarded when a mango dropped into the can. After a while his neck ached from looking upward， and his arms grew sore. He kept at it， though， and by late afternoon his bag was nearly full.

注意：

①所續(xù)寫短文的詞數(shù)應(yīng)為150左右；

②應(yīng)使用5個以上短文中標(biāo)有下畫線的關(guān)鍵詞語；

③續(xù)寫部分分為兩段，每段的開頭語已為你寫好；

④續(xù)寫完成后，請使用下畫線標(biāo)出你所使用的關(guān)鍵詞語。

Paragraph 1：On the way back to town， Bebeto began to worry that the other boys might already have sold or traded their mangoes with Zulma.

Paragraph 2： The following morning， Ana walked into the kitchen and took a seat at the breakfast table.

2.學(xué)生習(xí)作

學(xué)生習(xí)作1

On the way back to town， Bebeto began to worry that the other boys might already have sold or traded their mangoes with Zulma. But fortunately， Zulma welcomed him with enthusiasm when he arrived at Zulma’s Presents， holding a large bag of mangoes. The mangoes Bebeto picked up were so attractive that the owner started to eat one at once. Feeling sweet and comfortable， Zulma allowed Bebeto to choose any one of the predentes in the store. And he chose the new doll his sister wanted with no hesitation.

The following morning， Ana walked into the kitchen and took a seat at the breakfast table. There Bebeto came to sit next to her and said “Happy birthday” to her. When Bebeto took out the gift， Ana burst into tears. It did become the most wonderful moment in her life. So did Bebeto. It was Bebeto’s efforts that made the poor life happier.

【點(diǎn)評1】

在續(xù)寫前，建議先把原文所給關(guān)鍵詞進(jìn)行分類列舉，這樣有助于理清思路，不容易遺漏這些關(guān)鍵詞。比如這篇文章中的關(guān)鍵詞匯表如下：

時間：birthday

人物：Ana， boys

事件：fruit， mango， doll， bag， store， gift， efforts

在續(xù)寫時，除了注意原文給出的關(guān)鍵詞，還需要注意以下線索：

①Why did Bebeto begin to worry？

②What do you expect to happen the following morning？

應(yīng)該說，這篇短文，包括后面的幾篇短文，基本上都做到了續(xù)寫部分跟上文情節(jié)連續(xù)，構(gòu)成了完整的故事。這篇學(xué)生習(xí)作字?jǐn)?shù)把握總體尚可，關(guān)鍵詞語的使用也用下畫線標(biāo)出，達(dá)到了要求數(shù)量。語言比較流暢，語法錯誤不是很多。除了個別句子“So did Bebeto.”用得不太妥當(dāng)及幾個小問題（如Presentes和presents誤用）之外，基本上還可以。但這篇習(xí)作沒有反映出詞匯的豐富和句式的多變，有些遺憾。按照25分總分來計算，應(yīng)該可以打到第四檔，即16～20分區(qū)間。

學(xué)生習(xí)作2

On the way back to town， Bebeto began to worry that the other boys might already have sold or traded their mangoes with Zulma. Thinking of this， he speeded up to reach the destination as soon as possible. It was about seven o’clock when he got to the Zulma’s Presentes. He walked into the beautiful store， shy and anxious. However， Zulma welcomed him and asked him what he needed. He explained his request for exchanging mangoes for a doll in a low voice. Zulma listening to him with a smile， and luckily， expensive as the doll was， she agreed Bebeto’s request.

The following morning， Ana walked into the kitchen and took a seat at the breakfast table. There， next to her seat， was a pink box. Ana opened it excitedly and found a shining doll inside. It was clear that she could hardly control herself. What’s more， she noticed a card near the toy， saying “Ana， you owns a great brother.” Tears rolled down her face. She dashed into her brother. After it， the relationship between them become better.

【點(diǎn)評2】

這篇習(xí)作中，學(xué)生沒有按照要求把關(guān)鍵詞畫出來。為了方便讀者起見，筆者將其補(bǔ)足。建議教師在訓(xùn)練學(xué)生的時候，讓學(xué)生養(yǎng)成習(xí)慣，否則考試的時候一旦忘記畫線，就容易失分，特此提醒和強(qiáng)調(diào)！

雖然習(xí)作中，學(xué)生成功嘗試用了一些句型，如“l(fā)uckily， expensive as the doll was， she agreed Bebeto’s request.”，語言使用總體流暢連貫，但語法錯誤比較多，如“Zulma listening to him with a smile.”“you owns a great brother.”“took a seat the breakfast table”，影響了整體感覺。其實(shí)，按照該生的語言水平和表述能力，如果能在寫完后仔細(xì)校對一遍，應(yīng)該能避免這些基本的語法問題。

最后的結(jié)尾也不理想：“She dashed into her brother.”應(yīng)該改為：“She dashed into the arms of her brother.”“After it， the relationship between them become better.”用得欠妥當(dāng)，容易讓人誤解他倆的關(guān)系之前不太好。因此，這篇習(xí)作可以打到第三檔（上）或第四檔（下），即15分左右。

學(xué)生習(xí)作3

On the way back to town， Bebeto began to worry that the other boys might already have sold or traded their mangoes with Zulma. He walked into Zulma’s Presentes， holding a full bag of mangoes in his hand. Bebeto said to Zulma， “I want to sell these mangoes.” But to his disappointment， Zulma said there were too many mangoes in his store and he didn’t want to buy some more. Bebeto was in pain， but he didn’t give up. He sincerely said， “Sir， please look at these mangoes. I just want to do something for my sister’s birthday.” Zulma picked up a mango and look it carefully. These mangoes were big and pretty， which were much better than other boys’ mangoes. Zulma smiled and told Bebeto that he was satisfied with these mangoes. The money Bebeto got was beyond his expection. Then， Bebeto bought the doll and went to home， feeling happy.

The following morning， Ana walked into the kitchen and took a seat at the breakfast table. Suddenly， she saw a lovely doll she longed for sitting on the table. She jumped up and running to hug the doll， “Wow， it is the best gift I have received！” Seeing that， Bebeto felt extremely happy and thought all his efforts were worthwhile.

【點(diǎn)評3】

這篇習(xí)作的最大問題是，句式比較平淡，用的基本都是簡單句式，沒有嘗試用比較復(fù)雜的句式結(jié)構(gòu)。詞匯的選用也比較普通，個別詞匯如“expection”還出現(xiàn)了拼寫錯誤（應(yīng)該是“expectation”）。語法錯誤也存在，如：“Zulma picked up a mango and look it carefully”；“She jumped up and running to hug the doll”。

故事的設(shè)計也如其文字一樣，平淡無奇，毫無懸念，沒有好的敘事該有的twists and turns。

建議打到第二檔（上）或第三檔（下），即10分左右。

學(xué)生習(xí)作4

On the way back to town， Bebeto began to worry that the other boys might already have sold or traded their mangoes with Zulma. When he walked into Zulma’s Presentes， he found that there had been plenty of mangoes on the ground already. As he thought that Zulma wouldn’t buy more mangoes， he burst into tears. Seeing this， Zulma came to Bebeto and listened to his story carefully. Moved by Bebeto’s efforts， Zulma told him that he would exchange the doll for his mangoes. So Bebeto took the doll back with great joy.

The following morning， Ana walked into the kitchen and took a seat at the breakfast table. Suddenly she noticed that at the table was her favourite doll with a note on it saying “Happy Birthday”. Ana couldn’t help shouting out， “Oh！ It’s the best gift I have ever received， thank you very much！” But their parents were confused about how Bebeto could afford it， as it’s one of the most expensive thing at Zulma’s Presentes， so they asked him and he told them all. The parents came into silence. Some days later， Zulma received an envelope which contains some money and a note expressing appreciation. Yes， it was from Bebeto’s parents， because they didn’t want to hurt Bebeto’s warm heart but they did know a small bag of mangoes were absolutely not enough for the doll and they must pay for it no matter how poor they were.

【點(diǎn)評4】

這篇學(xué)生習(xí)作的字?jǐn)?shù)稍微多了點(diǎn)（241 words，減去已給字?jǐn)?shù)尚余201字），可能會超出答題紙的范圍。建議在平時就用考試標(biāo)準(zhǔn)答題紙進(jìn)行練習(xí)，找到個人最適合最合理的書寫方案和文字布局分配的方式。

該習(xí)作接續(xù)開始之處顯得比較平，但后面加上了父母的行為這一人文部分，使得情節(jié)設(shè)計略有看頭，有些思想性。

語言總體流暢，明顯錯誤較少，但也沒有比較高級和復(fù)雜的句型和詞匯。

建議打在第四檔，即16～20分區(qū)間。

學(xué)生習(xí)作5

On the way back to town， Bebeto began to worry that the other boys might already have sold or traded their mangoes with Zulma. So he sped up to arrive the store as soon as possible. As he reached the destination， he was nearly out of breath but didn’t slow down the steps. He rushed into the store， finding the boys not there. Then he came up to the boss and explained that he wanted to exchange mangoes for a doll， which he had made efforts to get. Even though he was refused directly， he didn’t give up but still tried to expound that tomorrow was his sister Ana’s birthday and all he wanted to do was just to buy her the doll she had long for. Finally， the boss seemed to be moved by the action of the boy especially the love for his sister. So he eventually got the doll.

The following morning， Ana walked into the kitchen and took a seat at the breakfast table. She was surprised to find that there was a beautiful box on the table as well as a lovely card. She took up the card and then showed a bright smile on her face. It was the gift from her brother. As the doll was so expensive to their family. She could imagine how hard he had worked. It was her brother’s warm that she would never forget.

【點(diǎn)評5】

這篇學(xué)生習(xí)作總體平鋪直敘，故事設(shè)計比較平淡，略顯乏味。學(xué)生嘗試用了個別比較難一點(diǎn)的詞匯，如“expound”（解釋、說明）；“efforts”這一關(guān)鍵詞的使用（which he had made efforts to get）也比較自然，顯得比較effortless。

有幾處錯誤，如：“she had long for”；“It was her brother’s warm”。

應(yīng)該可以打在第三檔，即11～15分區(qū)間。

學(xué)生習(xí)作6

On the way back to town， Bebeto began to worry that the other boys might already have sold or traded their mangoes with Zulma. When he arrived at Zulma’s Presentes hurriedly， he saw the other boys went out， with a big smile in one’s face. Sadly， Bebeto walked into the store and asked in a low voice， “Do you need more mangoes？” The owner looked up from his phone and replied that he did not need mangoes anymore. With tears in his eyes， he wanted to try again. “The mangoes are fresh and mature， I believe that they are tasty. Tomorrow is my sister’s birthday， I’d like to send her the new doll in your store.” However， the owner seemed not to be moved. He shook his head and said sincerely， “You can make a mango cake for her. It may be a good gift.”

The following morning， Ana walked into the kitchen and took a seat at the breakfast table. What caught her attention was a mango cake on the table. She knew it was from his brother， though she felt a little disappointed， she smiled and turned to her brother and said， “Thank you for your gift. I love it very much.” Having knew Ana liked the new doll instead of the cake， Bebeto just smiled， feeling sorry for her. Suddenly， the bell rang， Bebeto opened door but saw nobody. To his surprise， there was a parcel on the floor. He took it in and opened it. Ana also looked at the parcel. How amazing！ It was the new doll that Ana wanted， as well as a note which said “A gift by the love between brother and sister. Happy birthday！”

【點(diǎn)評6】

此文的設(shè)計有起有伏，尤其是后半部分還有些意外。字?jǐn)?shù)明顯偏多，多達(dá)243字。最好能刪去一些不太相關(guān)的話語，或盡量采用簡練的句式表達(dá)。

語法問題還是不能完全避免，如“Having knew Ana liked the new doll instead of the cake”（應(yīng)該為“Having known”）；“with a big smile in one’s face”（應(yīng)改為“on their face”）；“A gift by the love”（應(yīng)改為“for the love”）；一旦簡單的語法問題出錯，就容易“露怯”，顯得整體語言和文字的水平不高。所以高中教師在對學(xué)生進(jìn)行訓(xùn)練的時候，要反復(fù)強(qiáng)調(diào)基本語法問題不能犯，要求學(xué)生能自行校正糾錯。此文的語言表達(dá)和句式結(jié)構(gòu)使用情況也不甚理想，雖然理解沒有問題，總體也算連貫。

此習(xí)作應(yīng)該可以打在第三檔，即11～15分區(qū)間。

學(xué)生習(xí)作7

On the way back to town， Bebeto began to worry that the other boys might already have sold or traded their mangoes with Zulma. When finally reaching Zulma’s Presentes， Bebeto just rushed in， out of breath. The owner of the store looked at him with a curious look. On hearing Bebeto’s explanation， the owner opened the bag to check the mangoes. To Bebeto’s disappointment， they’re not enough to exchange a lovely doll. He walked out with tears rolling down his face when he met the other boys carrying bags of mangoes. Knowing Bebeto’s kindness， they decided to gather all their mangoes to give his sister a dream present.

The following morning， Ana walked into the kitchen and took a seat at the breakfast table. When subconsciously reaching out for a glass cup， she found a card saying “Look at the sofa.” Then she surprisingly saw the doll she had been dreaming of for a long time. When Bebeto said “Happy birthday”， Ana couldn’t help crying and clenched his hands tightly. Touched by the atmosphere， their parents sighed with pleasure， knowing their son was reliable enough to take care of his sister. Wealth isn’t always where happiness comes from， and love is something that really counts.

【點(diǎn)評7】

這篇習(xí)作的亮點(diǎn)在最后一句，比較精彩，富有思想，揚(yáng)升了整個短文。故事設(shè)計總體合理可信，語言表述比較流暢自然。除個別不太影響理解的詞語用錯（如“surprisingly”）以外，少見明顯的語言問題。

該文應(yīng)該可以打到第四檔（上）或第五檔（下），即20分左右。