說“不”，沒那么簡單

文/Elizabeth+Bernstein+譯/阿諾

Lesley Ronson Brown knew the woman on the phone asking her to serve on the board of a nonprofit was making a good point， detailing how the group would benefit from her leadership skills. Ms. Brown politely explained that she was busy with other volunteer activities and wanted to spend more time with her family.

The woman kept pleading. So Ms. Brown did the only thing she could think to do： She climbed up on the chair in her office—to feel bigger and more powerful， she says—and “practically growled1）” her answer. “I was trying to say ‘no in a lower-octave2）， tall brunette3） voice，” says Ms. Brown， who is petite （and was blonde at the time）.

One tiny word can be very hard to say.

When asked to help or to do a favor， whether it is to donate money to charity， fill out a questionnaire or let a stranger use a cellphone， research has shown many people will say “yes” simply because saying “no” would make them even more uncomfortable. This is especially true when people have to give their answer face to face rather than by email.

And even when people do say “no，” they become more likely to say “yes” to subsequent4） requests. “They feel so guilty about saying ‘no. They feel they need to salvage5） the relationship，” says Vanessa Bohns， assistant professor of management sciences at the University of Waterloo in Ontario， Canada.

People will even agree to unethical requests rather than risk the discomfort of saying “no.” In one of four studies earlier this year in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin， Dr. Bohns and her team had 25 college students ask 108 strangers to vandalize6） a library book by writing the word “pickle” in ink on one of the pages. While many of the strangers protested， or asked the students to take responsibility for any repercussions7）， half of the strangers agreed to deface8） the book—much more than the average of 29% that the students predicted.

“One of our most fundamental needs is for social connection and a feeling that we belong，” Dr. Bohns says. “Saying ‘no feels threatening to our relationships and that feeling of connectedness.” And we worry that saying “no” will change the way the other person views us， and make him or her feel badly.

Sadly， it often does hurt feelings. “No” is a rejection. Neuroscience has shown our brains have a greater reaction to the negative than to the positive. Negative information produces a bigger and swifter surge of electrical activity in the cerebral cortex9） than does positive information. Negative memories are stronger than positive ones. All of this is to protect us： A strong memory of something hurtful helps us remember to avoid it in the future.

Even so， psychologists say， most people probably wont take our “no” as badly as we think they will. Thats because of something called a “harshness bias”—our tendency to believe others will judge us more severely than they actually do. “Chances are the consequences of saying ‘no are much worse in our heads than they would ever be in reality，” Dr. Bohns says.

Of course， not everyone has trouble saying “no.” Some folks seem to do it reflexively10）. Psychologists believe certain individuals have a harder time than others.

“Pleasers” hate to let others down； “doormats” are conflict-averse. And while Dr. Bohns says she hasnt found gender differences in her research， some experts believe women may have a harder time than men， since they often are the ones conditioned to maintain relationships and worry about other peoples needs.

All these people especially learn to appreciate the importance of saying “no.” “I can only protect my agenda， my priorities， the job I need to get done if I have the ability to say ‘no sometimes，” says Judith Sills， a psychologist in Philadelphia. “Otherwise， I am fulfilling everyone elses agenda.”

Another important reason to say “no，” Dr. Sills says： It keeps us from caving in11） to peer pressure. （Refuse to write “pickle” in a library book?。?“To have your own values， sometimes you have to say ‘no to people with whom you dont agree，” Dr. Sills says.

But what is the best way to decline a request， so that the other person gets the message and it sticks？

Plan ahead. If you know a request is coming， think in advance about your response. Use a gentle tone of voice to say “no.” Blaming external circumstances may help alleviate your guilt and embarrassment at not being able to comply.

If a request takes you by surprise， dont allow yourself to assent12） on the spot. Keep a version of “Ill get back to you” in your back pocket. You need to step back before committing， says the University of Waterloos Dr. Bohns. You want to think rationally， distance yourself from feelings of guilt， and come up with a polite answer.

If a person refuses to take “no” for an answer， dont give up. Repeat your polite refusal as often as necessary.

Ms. Brown， of the swivel chair13）， has become so proficient14） at saying “no” that her friends now call her “the Queen of Setting Healthy Boundaries.” She credits her experiences dealing with diabetes and breast cancer with helping her learn to take care of herself first. “I feel I should reward myself by spending time doing things I really enjoy versus things I feel I should do，” says Ms. Brown， a 62-year-old yoga and Pilates15） instructor from Wheaton， Ill. “Im also OK if something just doesnt get done.”

Now， when someone asks her to do something， she asks herself one question： “Will this bring me joy？” If the answer is no， then that is her answer. “I am aware that I have only so much energy and time， so I treat them like money and invest them wisely，” Ms. Brown says.

She has developed her own technique for declining a request that someone just keeps lobbying16）： She repeats her refusal—“I am sorry， I am not able to do that”—in exactly the same words for as long as it takes. “Eventually they will get bored and defeated and stop asking，” she says.

“And for goodness sake， dont add something like， ‘Well， maybe next year， to soften the blow，” Ms. Brown warns. “The person on the other end of the phone has just thought， ‘Gotcha. For next year.”

萊斯莉·龍森·布朗聽著電話那頭的女士邀請她出任一家非營利機構(gòu)的董事，并詳細闡述該機構(gòu)將如何受益于她的領(lǐng)導(dǎo)才能，她知道對方說得很有道理。布朗女士禮貌地解釋說，她還要忙于其他一些志愿活動，并想多花些時間陪伴自己的家人。

那位女士仍在不停懇求。于是，布朗女士做了她唯一能想到的事。她爬上辦公室的椅子——她說這樣會感覺自己更加高大有力——“幾乎是咆哮著”說出了自己的回答?！拔遗τ玫桶硕鹊穆曇粽f‘不，讓自己聽起來像是個身材高大的棕發(fā)女性?！辈祭逝空f。她其實身材嬌?。ǘ耶敃r是金發(fā)）。

一個簡單的字眼卻可能讓人難以開口。

研究表明，當遇到別人求助或請求幫忙時，無論是為慈善機構(gòu)捐款，填寫調(diào)查問卷，還是將手機借給陌生人，許多人都會答應(yīng)，僅僅因為說“不”會讓他們更加不舒服。特別是當人們不得不當面作答，而不能通過電郵回復(fù)時，情況更是如此。

即使人們真的說了“不”，他們也會變得更傾向于接受隨后的請求。“人們對說‘不感到非常內(nèi)疚，感到有必要挽回和對方的關(guān)系?！奔幽么蟀泊舐允』F盧大學(xué)的管理科學(xué)助理教授瓦妮莎·博恩斯表示。

人們甚至寧愿答應(yīng)一些不道德的請求，也不愿承擔因為說“不”而感到不安的風險。今年早些時候，《人格與社會心理學(xué)公報》發(fā)布了四項研究，在其中一項研究中，博恩斯博士和她的團隊找來25名大學(xué)生，讓他們請108位陌生人破壞圖書館的圖書，在某一頁用墨水寫下“泡菜”一詞。雖然這些人中有許多表示反對，或要求學(xué)生們承擔所有后果，但還是有一半的人同意在書上亂涂——這一比例遠高于學(xué)生們此前預(yù)測的29%的平均值。

“我們最基本的需求之一就是社會聯(lián)系和歸屬感，”博恩斯博士說，“我們感覺說‘不會危及我們的人際關(guān)系和那種相互關(guān)聯(lián)的感覺?！蔽覀円矒恼f“不”會改變別人對我們的看法，并讓對方感到不快。

遺憾的是，說“不”確實常常讓人感覺受傷?！安弧北硎揪芙^。神經(jīng)系統(tǒng)科學(xué)的研究表明，我們的大腦對負面事物的反應(yīng)要比對正面事物的反應(yīng)更強烈。相較于正面信息，負面信息會在大腦皮層引發(fā)更劇烈、更快速的腦電活動。不愉快的記憶要比愉快的記憶更為清晰持久。所有這些都是為了自我保護：對傷害性事件的清晰記憶有助于讓我們記著在日后對其進行規(guī)避。

即便如此，心理學(xué)家稱，大多數(shù)人或許并不會像我們以為的那樣把拒絕看得那么嚴重。這是由于一種叫做“嚴厲度偏見”的現(xiàn)象——我們傾向于認為別人對我們的評判比實際情況更嚴厲?！昂芸赡苁俏覀冏约喊颜f‘不的后果想得比實際情況要嚴重得多?！辈┒魉共┦空f。

當然，并不是所有人都覺得“不”字難以開口。有些人似乎就能脫口而出。心理學(xué)家相信，某些人比其他人更難對人說“不”。

“好好先生”不喜歡讓別人失望，“受氣包”不愿與人發(fā)生沖突。雖然博恩斯博士說她在研究中沒有發(fā)現(xiàn)因性別造成的差異，但有些專家認為女性可能比男性更難拒絕別人，因為女性往往習慣于維持良好的人際關(guān)系，也會顧及他人的需要。

這些人尤其能學(xué)會領(lǐng)悟說“不”的重要性?！爸挥心苓m時說‘不，我才能維護自己的日程安排，做那些應(yīng)該優(yōu)先做的事和需要完成的工作，”費城的心理學(xué)家朱迪絲·西爾斯說，“否則，我只是在按照別人的日程安排做事?！?/p>

西爾斯博士表示，說“不”還有一個重要的理由：它可以避免人們屈服于同伴壓力。（拒絕在圖書館的圖書上寫“泡菜”兩個字?。盀榱藞猿肿约旱脑瓌t，有時你必須要對自己不贊同的人說‘不?！蔽鳡査共┦空f。

但怎樣才是拒絕別人請求的最佳方式，讓對方明白你的意思，不再繼續(xù)強求呢？

提前計劃。如果你知道別人將會向你提出請求，事先想好應(yīng)該如何回答。說“不”時語調(diào)要溫和。歸咎于客觀原因也許有助于減輕無法應(yīng)允別人時的內(nèi)疚和尷尬。

如果請求來得讓你措手不及，不要讓自己當場同意。備一些“我會再聯(lián)系你”之類的話?；F盧大學(xué)的博恩斯博士說，在承諾之前你需要先退一步思考一下。你要理性思考，從內(nèi)疚感中脫離出來，想出一個禮貌的回答。

如果對方不肯接受被拒絕的結(jié)果，你也不要讓步。必要的話，可以經(jīng)常重復(fù)你禮貌的回絕。

曾經(jīng)為拒絕別人而站到轉(zhuǎn)椅上的那位布朗女士已經(jīng)變得非常善于說“不”，以至于朋友們現(xiàn)在都叫她“劃定合理界限女王”。她將這歸功于自己對抗糖尿病和乳腺癌的經(jīng)歷，那些經(jīng)歷幫助她學(xué)會把照顧自己放在第一位?！拔矣X得應(yīng)該花時間去做自己真正喜歡的事來犒勞自己，而不是做那些我感覺應(yīng)該做的事?！辈祭逝空f。現(xiàn)年62歲的她是伊利諾伊州惠頓市的一名瑜伽和普拉提教練?！叭绻行┦聸]能做到，我也覺得沒關(guān)系?！?/p>

現(xiàn)在，當別人請她做什么事時，她會問自己一個問題：“這能讓我快樂嗎？”如果答案是否定的，她就會拒絕對方?！拔抑牢抑挥心敲炊嗟木蜁r間，所以我會把它們視為金錢一樣，明智地投資?！辈祭逝空f。

對那些不停勸說讓她接受某個請求的人，她已經(jīng)摸索出自己的一套拒絕策略：她會重復(fù)說拒絕的話——“抱歉，我做不了”—— 一字不差地重復(fù)，需要說多久就說多久?！白詈笏麄兙吐牊┝?，就會知難而退，不再要求?！彼f。

“千萬不要為了緩和語氣而加上‘嗯，明年也許可以這樣的話，”布朗女士提醒說，“電話那頭的人就會想：‘這下逮著你了，來年再見?！?/p>

1. growl [ɡra?l] vt. 低吼；咆哮

2. octave [??kt?v] n. [音]八度音

3. brunette [bru??net] n. 深褐色頭發(fā)的女子

4. subsequent [?s?bs?kw?nt] adj. 隨后的，后來的

5. salvage [?s?lv?d?] vt. 挽救；挽回

6. vandalize [?v?nd?la?z] vt. 故意破壞

7. repercussion [?ri?p?（r）?k??（?）n] n. [常作～s]后果

8. deface [d??fe?s] vt. 損傷……的外貌；損壞

9. cerebral cortex：大腦皮層

10. reflexively [r??fleks?vli] adv. 條件反射式地，本能反應(yīng)地

11. cave in：屈服；被迫讓步

12. assent [??sent] vi. 同意

13. swivel chair：轉(zhuǎn)椅

14. proficient [pr??f??（?）nt] adj. 熟練的；精通的

15. Pilates [p??lɑ?te?z] n. 普拉提（類似瑜伽的一種健身鍛煉）

16. lobby [?l?bi] vt. 游說