救命！我變成了一只狗

人人網(wǎng)上又有人給你點(diǎn)“贊”啦？又從QQ上收到好友的生日祝福啦？你又有微博被瘋狂轉(zhuǎn)發(fā)？朋友圈里又收到N多評(píng)論啦？看著自己在網(wǎng)絡(luò)的虛擬世界中如此大受歡迎，你一定在為自己的好人緣而開(kāi)心不已。不過(guò)，你可別開(kāi)心過(guò)頭。若是發(fā)生了什么匪夷所思的事，比如你突然變成了一只狗……再看看網(wǎng)上“好友”們的反應(yīng)吧！

Hi， everyone on Facebook，

I need your help： I have been transformed into a dog. I dont know how it happened， but soon after I entered my remote Vermont cabin， something felt weird， and my nose suddenly seemed a lot longer and wetter， and then I caught my reflection in the oven door， and， well， Ive turned into a dog， though Ive retained my human brain. This is not a joke. I managed to take what I guess would still be defined as a selfie1）—this photo of a dog is， in fact， me—and Im using my paws to type， though its cumbersome2） and slow （so far， this message has taken me the better part of3） five hours）. Fortunately， I am able to flush the toilet to replenish4） my water supply and have access to the groceries I hadnt put away5） before I turned into a dog. Address and directions are below.

Hello again.

Thank you to everyone for “l(fā)iking” my last post， but given that all of the comments were along the lines of “Cute puppy！” and “Whered you get your new little pal？” I assume none of you read it， but merely looked at the photo and assumed I purchased a dog. So， to be clear： I have turned into a dog and need someone to rescue me from my remote Vermont cabin.

再次問(wèn)好。

謝謝你們各位給我的上一條狀態(tài)點(diǎn)“贊”，但鑒于所有的評(píng)論都在一邊倒地說(shuō)“好可愛(ài)的狗狗！”或是“你在哪兒找到你新的小伙伴的？”我猜你們誰(shuí)都沒(méi)有看這條狀態(tài)，而僅僅掃了一眼照片就以為是我買(mǎi)了一只狗。所以，我在這里明確一下：我已經(jīng)變成了一只狗，并且需要有人把我從佛蒙特的偏遠(yuǎn)小屋里救出來(lái)。

O.K.， I totally understand your reactions—ha ha， Gary， what a joker， pretending to have metamorphosed6） into a dog and using Facebook to alert everyone. But this is serious. Im actually a dog right now， and have been for the past seventy-two hours. My eyesight is really poor， so its hard to make myself out in the oven door， but for anyone whos interested， I think Im an English cocker spaniel7）. No one seems to believe me， let alone be offering help， and Im getting worried that Ill eventually starve to death here， still trapped in my new canine8） body. Again， directions are below to the cabin where， it goes without saying9）， Im incapable of opening the front door.

好吧，我完全理解你們的反應(yīng)——哈哈，加里，你太搞笑了，假裝自己變形成了一只狗，還發(fā)到Facebook上讓大家注意?？墒俏覜](méi)開(kāi)玩笑。我現(xiàn)在真的是一只狗，而且在過(guò)去的72小時(shí)里都是一只狗。我的視力真的很差，所以很難從烤箱門(mén)上看清自己的樣子，不過(guò)要是有人感興趣的話，我覺(jué)得自己是一只英國(guó)可卡獵犬。貌似沒(méi)人相信我，更別提幫忙了。我現(xiàn)在越來(lái)越擔(dān)心自己最終會(huì)餓死在這兒，死了還得被困在這個(gè)嶄新的狗軀殼里。再發(fā)一遍，前往小屋的路線如下。不用說(shuō)，我可打不開(kāi)前門(mén)。

While I certainly appreciate receiving event invitations from many of you to your improv-comedy shows and poetry readings and Wednesday-night D.J. events， please note that Im staying in my remote cabin in Vermont indefinitely and am unable to attend. Oh， and also， Im now a dog， a fact none of you seems to be picking up on10）.

許多人邀請(qǐng)我去參加你們的即興喜劇表演、詩(shī)歌朗誦會(huì)，還有周三的D.J.之夜，真的很感謝你們。但拜托搞搞清楚，我正被無(wú)限期地困在佛蒙特的偏遠(yuǎn)小屋里，沒(méi)法參加啊！哦，還有，盡管好像你們沒(méi)人注意到這個(gè)事實(shí)，但我現(xiàn)在的確是一只狗。

It looks like about fourteen people have defriended me. Im so sorry to inconvenience you all with a few tactful11） requests for assistance relating to my instantaneous corporeal12） conversion to another species. MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE USED ALL CAPITAL LETTERS TO POINT OUT THAT I EXPECT TO DIE IN MY REMOTE VERMONT CABIN AFTER INEXPLICABLY TURNING INTO A FUCKING ENGLISH COCKER SPANIEL.

貌似已經(jīng)有大概14個(gè)人和我解除好友關(guān)系了。很抱歉給你們所有人帶來(lái)不便。我向你們提出了一些合乎分寸的請(qǐng)求，希望你們能就我瞬間變身為另一物種一事提供幫助。或許我本該全用大寫(xiě)字母才能提醒大家，在我莫名其妙地變成一只該死的英國(guó)可卡獵犬后，我估計(jì)得死在我這佛蒙特的偏遠(yuǎn)小屋里。

Im sorry about that last message. Im finding it harder to control my temper than it used to be， back when I was a human. My food supply has run out， and Ive been forced to hunt down and eat the mice in the basement. Its not so bad here， really. I spend my four waking hours a day reading the larger-font books that Im able to turn the pages of and surfing the Web （trying to do more of the former， less of the latter?。? Also， a lot of humping furniture. Im getting used to the idea of living out the rest of my life like this. If anyone wants to visit， hes welcome to—we can just hang out and play fetch， and I wont hump you or force you to bring me to scientists to help to turn me back into a human or anything.

很抱歉發(fā)了上次那條消息。我發(fā)現(xiàn)我比以前——在我還是人的時(shí)候——更難控制自己的脾氣了。吃的東西已經(jīng)沒(méi)有了，我不得不到地下室逮耗子吃。這兒沒(méi)那么糟，真的。我每天會(huì)利用自己那醒著的四個(gè)小時(shí)讀一讀我能翻頁(yè)的、字比較大的書(shū)，再上上網(wǎng)（盡量多看書(shū)，少上網(wǎng)?。Ｎ疫€經(jīng)常抱著家具蹭。我已經(jīng)準(zhǔn)備好下半輩子就這么過(guò)了。歡迎來(lái)這里做客，如果有人愿意來(lái)的話。我們可以去閑逛，玩玩扔球游戲。我不會(huì)抱著你亂蹭，或是逼著你帶我去找科學(xué)家?guī)兔Π盐易兓厝?，或別的什么事。

The hours and days blur together， at seven times the speed of human life， or perhaps one-seventh—I dont know anymore. I dream of running through fields thick with scents， of chasing my own tail， of sprawling by a fireplace as someone scratches my belly， of humping furniture.

“小時(shí)”和“天”的概念相互混淆，時(shí)間以人類(lèi)生活的七倍，也可能是七分之一的速度流逝——我再也弄不清了。我夢(mèng)見(jiàn)自己飛奔穿過(guò)芳香彌漫的田野，夢(mèng)見(jiàn)追自己的尾巴，夢(mèng)見(jiàn)在有人給我撓肚子時(shí)我四仰八叉地躺在火爐旁，夢(mèng)見(jiàn)我抱著家具蹭。

Hello again.

Its been a while since youve all heard from me because Ive been busy with a creative project： a screenplay about my sudden transformation from a person into—you guessed it—a dog. Mentally outlining it took only a week， but typing it up with my paws consumed five months. Im over-the-moon13） thrilled to announce that I landed a film agent， via e-mail， who has sold my script， “An Unexpected Tail，” to Disney， as an animated feature. Matt Damon14） is attached to voice the role of Gary， the affable， remote-cabin-confined Everydog whose pleas for help about his metamorphosis go callously15） unheeded16） by his supposed human friends. Im currently stuck in rewrite hell， and so that I can meet deadlines for deliverables. Im deactivating my Facebook account. If you want to reach me， you can do so by e-mail， or by sending old-fashioned snail mail17） to the address where I remain captive—permanently， it seems—as a human trapped inside the body of a goddam dog.

我又來(lái)啦。

大家好久都沒(méi)聽(tīng)到我的消息了吧，因?yàn)槲以诿σ粋€(gè)創(chuàng)造性的項(xiàng)目：寫(xiě)劇本。講的是我突然從人變成——你猜對(duì)啦—— 一只狗的故事。我在腦海里勾勒情節(jié)只用了一個(gè)禮拜，可用爪子把劇本敲出來(lái)卻花了五個(gè)月。我實(shí)在是太興奮了，我要高興地宣布，我已經(jīng)通過(guò)電子郵件“釣”到一位電影經(jīng)紀(jì)人。他把我的劇本《意外的尾巴》的動(dòng)畫(huà)片制作權(quán)賣(mài)給了迪士尼。馬特·達(dá)蒙對(duì)給加里這個(gè)角色配音很感興趣。這是一只友好的、被困在偏遠(yuǎn)小木屋里的普通狗狗。它懇請(qǐng)朋友幫自己擺脫變形的困境，可它那所謂的人類(lèi)朋友們都無(wú)情地忽視了上述懇求。我現(xiàn)在正焦頭爛額地改劇本呢，這樣才能趕上交稿的最后期限。我正在注銷(xiāo)我的Facebook賬號(hào)。如果你們要找我，可以發(fā)郵件或是寄老式平信給我—— 一個(gè)被困在該死的狗身體里的人。地址是我被困的地方——似乎是無(wú)限期被困的地方。

嗨，F(xiàn)acebook上的朋友們！

我需要你們的幫助：我已經(jīng)被變成了一只狗。我不知道是怎么回事兒，但我剛一走進(jìn)自己那在佛蒙特州的偏遠(yuǎn)小屋就覺(jué)得不對(duì)勁。我的鼻子似乎突然變長(zhǎng)了許多，還變得更濕，然后我就在烤箱門(mén)上看見(jiàn)了自己的影子。呃，好吧，我已經(jīng)變成了一只狗，但我的頭腦還是人類(lèi)的。這不是在開(kāi)玩笑。我設(shè)法拍了一張自認(rèn)為還可以叫做自拍照的照片——這張照片里的狗其實(shí)就是我。我正在用我的爪子打字呢，不過(guò)又笨又慢（到現(xiàn)在為止，這條狀態(tài)我已經(jīng)寫(xiě)了快五個(gè)小時(shí)了）。幸好我還能通過(guò)沖馬桶給自己補(bǔ)充飲水供應(yīng)，還能吃到我在變成狗之前尚未收起來(lái)的食物。我的地址和路線如下。