小紅莓果醬有話要說

by Will Stephen

No， trust me， I get it. Im the cute one. Im sweet， Im red， and I plop[撲通落下] out of a can. Its fun. Its endearing[討人喜歡的].

But enough is enough[適可而止]. My therapist[（心理）治療師] told me to be direct about my feelings—to really engage with[建立友好關(guān)系] everyone—so before you all dig in and give your thanks， I would like to say a few things that have been on my mind for a while now. Because damn it， Im a legitimate[正統(tǒng)的] part of the meal， and its about time I was treated as such.

Ahem.

Plainly[明白地] put， Im very， very sad. OK？ Hurt， humiliated[屈辱]， a little fed up[厭倦] maybe. Whatever you want to call it， something clearly isnt right here， and we—well， I was about to say we all know it， but judging from the looks on all of your faces， I seem to be the only one who thought there was a problem. Am I correct？ Wow. All right. Unbelievable[難以置信].

沒錯，相信我，我搞得很清楚。我就是一萌物。甜甜的，紅紅的，撲通一聲從罐頭跳出來，多有趣，多討喜啊！

但適可而止吧！我的理療師告訴我要直面自己的情感——才能真正地與所有人交好——所以在你們挖空所有來表達感謝之前，我想趁現(xiàn)在把這段時間以來積壓在心頭的話一吐為快。因為，該死的，我可是飲食部隊里的正規(guī)軍，是時候被名副其實地對待了。

呃哼。

坦白說，我相當(dāng)、相當(dāng)傷心。懂嗎？受傷，受辱，也許還有點厭倦了。不管你想怎么形容吧，很明顯這里有些地方不對頭，而且我們——哦，我打算要說的是，這事兒我們都心知肚明，但從你們的表情來看，我似乎是唯一一個意識到問題存在的“人”。我說的對不對？哇哦！好吧！難以置信。

There goes a whole year spent planning this moment to a T[絲毫不差地]， but you know what—hey， no problemo[（西班牙）沒問題]. Happy to accommodate[適應(yīng)]. I guess its my fault for assuming I was anything more than a glorified[美化了的] dipping sauce[蘸醬] to you people.

Look， do you think I dont see what you see？ Im disgusting[令人厭惡的]. I stick out like a sore[疼痛的] thumb. A red， wobbly[擺動的] sore thumb. Plopped down on this table with the ridges[山脊] from my can still branded[銘刻] into my side， shaming me—your store-bought freak[怪物]， your high-caloric[卡路里] Hester Prynne注1. You could at least slice[切片] me and give me an ounce[盎司] of dignity[尊嚴]. But no， thats life， baby. Thats me： Thanksgivings Elephant Man注2. Just the cold， wet afterthought to a piping-hot[滾燙的] feast cooked with patience and love. Here to jiggle[搖晃] for you， to be cut with a spoon， and to silently weep.

God， and to think that I spent years in factories， in boxes， on trucks and on shelves， all to be hidden behind your basted[涂油烤的]， seasoned[調(diào)過味的]， and—lets be honest—pretty overcooked “delicacies[佳肴].”For what？ For this. You know， I deserve[應(yīng)得] some credit for even being a part of this tradition. To say the odds were against me[面臨重重困難] would be putting it mildly[溫和地]. But I earned this. Because guess what？ Deep down[事實上]， Im good.

人家為了恰到好處地展現(xiàn)這一時刻都已經(jīng)準備了一整年，但你猜怎么著——嘿，沒問題，快樂地去適應(yīng)吧。我猜，認為我對于你們?nèi)祟悂碚f遠不止是一種受贊美的蘸醬是我的錯。

看吧，你們以為我沒有看到你們之所見嗎？我令人惡心。我豎起的樣子像酸痛的拇指，一根漲紅的、搖擺的酸痛拇指。撲通一聲掉到桌子上，身上帶著罐頭盒子留下的山脊狀紋路，讓我蒙羞——你這個從商店買來的怪物，你這個高卡路里的海絲特·白蘭。你們至少給我切下片，給我一盎司的尊嚴吧！但是沒有，乖乖，這就是生活。這就是我：感恩節(jié)的象人。僅僅是用愛心和耐心烹飪的熱乎乎的美味后才想起來的又濕又冷的小東西。（我）在這兒為你們搖晃，被你們用勺子切開，然后默默哭泣。

老天！想想我在工廠里、盒子里、卡車里和貨架上呆的這些年，只是為了被涂在你們抹了油的、調(diào)過味的，以及——讓我實話實說吧——烹飪得相當(dāng)過頭的“美味佳肴”上。為的是什么？為了這個。要知道，作為烹調(diào)傳統(tǒng)的一份子，我理應(yīng)得到贊揚。說我面臨重重困難還太輕描淡寫呢。但這是我應(yīng)受的（贊揚）。因為你猜怎么著？實際上，我很棒的。

And you know what？ Youre not. Youre disgusting. The way you people talk， belch[打嗝]， and indulge[沉溺] in your orgies[狂歡會] of savory[可口的] fats. What a feast！ What a spread[宴會]！ Oh， the turkey looks divine[天賜的]！ Did you make this stuffing[填料] yourself？ These yams[洋芋]， good heavens！ Try the sprouts[豆芽菜]！ Who brought the sweet-potato casserole[焙盤]？ Well I am not leaving here without that recipe[食譜]！

And oh， what is that … cranberry sauce？

Yeah. It is.

It is cranberry sauce.

But no， you know what？ Screw it[管他呢]. I can join in the fun. I can give thanks. Oh， I can definitely give thanks. Lets go around the table， shall we？

Im thankful to Debbie for serving me on a goddamn plate， allowing me to slide off onto the tablecloth a grand total of four times.

Im thankful to Frank for running back into the kitchen to get that novelty[新奇的小玩意] spoon to serve me with， like I wasnt already everybodys monkey in a sailor suit.

Im thankful to little Jack for running his stupid six-year-old mouth and saying I taste like candy.

Im thankful to Aunt Beth for agreeing with him like hes the child she never was able to have. （Still alone， by the way.）

Im thankful to wide-eyed[天真的] college gal[姑娘] Kate for saying that the only good thing about me is that Im vegan[素食的]. Keep making a difference. The world needs you.

Im thankful to dumb[沒有說話能力的] baby Julie for mashing[搗碎] me onto her face and making me the key player in her desperate[不顧一切的]， pandering[迎合] clown[小丑] routine[固定節(jié)目].

知道嗎？你們很爛。你們令人作嘔。你們?nèi)祟惲奶齑蜞玫姆绞?，還有你們沉溺于美味的肥肉狂歡的樣子，統(tǒng)統(tǒng)令人作嘔。多么豐盛的酒席！多么盛大的宴會！哦，這火雞看上去猶如天賜般美妙！ 這些填餡是你自己做的嗎？這些洋芋，老天??！嘗嘗這些芽菜！這個番薯焙盤是誰帶來的？嗯，沒拿到那份食譜我是不會離開這里的。

還有，哦，這是什么？小紅莓果醬？

沒錯。是的。

就是小紅莓果醬。

但是不，你知道什么？管他呢。我也會湊熱鬧。我會作致謝詞。對，我絕對會。不如我們繞著桌子轉(zhuǎn)一圈，如何？

感謝黛比，感謝她把我放在那個該死的盤子上，好讓我能夠滑到桌布上，整整四次呢。

感謝弗蘭克，感謝他跑回廚房去拿那個用來伺候我的新奇火雞勺，好像我還不是大家那個穿著水手服的猴子似的。

感謝小杰克，感謝他用那張六歲的小蠢嘴說我嘗起來像糖果。