漫長(zhǎng)的告別

“所謂父母子女一場(chǎng)，只不過(guò)意味著，你和他的緣分就是今生今世不斷地在目送他的背影漸行漸遠(yuǎn)?！边@是臺(tái)灣作家龍應(yīng)臺(tái)在散文《目送》中說(shuō)的一句話(huà)，也是天下所有母親心里的話(huà)。是的，每個(gè)孩子成長(zhǎng)的過(guò)程就是在空間上與母親漸行漸遠(yuǎn)的過(guò)程，這也許令人傷感，卻從來(lái)不曾改變。好在本文的母親懂得，人生也是個(gè)角色轉(zhuǎn)變的過(guò)程，當(dāng)兒子漸漸走向獨(dú)立，她也準(zhǔn)備好重新尋找自己的定位和生活的意義。

It’s nearly the end of summer break and my son goes out with friends. Ten minutes after he leaves home， I receive his text: Here. It’s the same message I’ve received hundreds of times before—our agreed-upon shorthand to reassure me， and probably him that he has arrived safely at his destination. In a matter1) of days he’ll head to college， and this routine， along with many others that have framed our days and nights， will come to an end. Reading that text triggers images stored safely away in my memory， a tiny flip book2) of our lives together.

My constant companion of nine months emerges with his eyes wide open. He’s placed on my chest. I feel his heartbeat reverberating3) through mine. All I see are beginnings. Friends who visit caution that time is elusive4)， that he’ll grow up faster than I can imagine， and to savor every moment. But I can’t hear them; it’s all too clichéd5) and my child has only just arrived. He’s intoxicating6): the beautiful bracelet-like creases in his wrists， the way he sounds like a little lamb when he cries. I’m filled with a renewed sense of purpose， of hope， of love. The first few months after he’s born are topsy-turvy7)—day is night， night is day. When sleep finally returns， so does work. My business suit is tight， my mind preoccupied. I pump milk in a cold， gray bathroom stall.

His teeth begin to appear. Baby bottles give way to solid foods. He points high above his chair to the clock on the wall. “Clock，” he says. It’s his first word， minus the “l(fā)，” and it makes me laugh. Soon he is walking， skipping， making angels in the snow.

I’m promoted at work. It becomes harder to find the time to make play dates and pediatrician8) appointments. At lunch I read books about nurturing， teaching， inspiring your child. He calls my office with the help of his babyshy;sitter. “Momma，” he says， “I’m making you a present.”

The tooth fairy9) arrives and leaves him handwritten notes. He discovers knock-knock jokes10) and learns how to add， subtract， and read. He builds giant castles with giant Legos11)， rides his shiny bike down a country road with his feet off the pedals.

I quit my job to do freelance writing—everything from training programs to marketing brochures12) to essays—usually when the rest of the family is sleeping. There’s never enough money， but now at least we have time.

Saturday nights are always family nights， spent at home. There are countless sporting events. He tries baseball， soccer， and track， then falls head over heels for13) basketball. He swings from tree limbs， wears superhero costumes， develops crushes， friendships， and fevers.

I volunteer at his school: cut， paste， read， nourish， fund-raise， chaperone14). I like this job.

There are marathon bedtime story rituals， endless questions about how things work， and monsters under the bed. Lego pieces grow smaller and castles more intricate. He tries the guitar， plays the trombone15)， saves quarters to buy video games， and collects trading cards16)， which he keeps in a shoebox under his bed.

We get a dog. He loves this dog with all his heart. The dog loves him back.

One day his height surpasses mine and， seemingly the next， his father’s.

He reads an essay by a sportswriter. It lights a fire in him. He starts to write his own stuff， wandering into my office as I try to juggle17) freelance assignments.

I feel privileged to read his work.

Orthodontics18) are removed to reveal straight pearly whites. He earns his first paycheck as a baseball referee but wishes that it had been as a writer.

He learns to do the laundry， scrub19) the bathroom， and make pasta， though he often professes to forget how to do all three.

He turns 18.

On a cold and rainy Election Day we head out together to vote. After two hours waiting in line， he’s the only teen in sight. It is not lost on20) him—by the next morning he has written all about it.

He gets a job as a blogger， then starts his own website. And all the while there are macroeconomics， physics， and college applications.

The flip book’s down to its last pages.

I’ve defined myself as a mother for 18 years. Who am I now? I look in the mirror. In my quest to help him grow wings， I forgot to grow some of my own. Can I find a new sense of purpose， rechannel21) the love?

Before I was a mother I was a daughter， infused with energy and the reassurance that my parents would always be there. But I can’t be a daughter again. I’m on my own.

Does purpose—mine， yours， anyone’s—require someone to nurture it， or is it inherent in all of us?

I’ll soon be putting these competing theories to the test.

As I sit down to write this piece， I receive his text: Where are you?

Here， I text back.

For now.

暑假即將結(jié)束，兒子出門(mén)和朋友們玩。他離家十分鐘后，我收到他的短信：到這兒啦。同樣的短信我之前已經(jīng)收過(guò)幾百遍——這是我們之間默契的簡(jiǎn)短訊息，是為了讓我放心，可能也讓他自己安心，表明他已安全抵達(dá)目的地。幾天之后，他將離家去上大學(xué)，而這一報(bào)平安的例行公事，還有我們之間的其他許多默契習(xí)慣，都將不復(fù)存在，那些習(xí)慣曾構(gòu)成我們的日日夜夜。讀著這條短信，我記憶中珍藏的許多不可磨滅的圖像被一一喚醒，我們一起生活的那些點(diǎn)點(diǎn)滴滴像動(dòng)畫(huà)書(shū)一樣躍然眼前。

陪我一起走過(guò)懷胎九月的他出生時(shí)睜著一雙大眼睛。他被放在我的胸口上，我能感覺(jué)到他的心跳疊加在我的心跳上。我看到了無(wú)數(shù)嶄新的開(kāi)始。來(lái)訪(fǎng)的朋友們都說(shuō)時(shí)光易逝，說(shuō)他成長(zhǎng)得會(huì)比我想象中的快，所以我應(yīng)該珍惜每一刻。但是我一句也沒(méi)聽(tīng)進(jìn)去。這些話(huà)聽(tīng)起來(lái)都太老生常談了，我的孩子才剛剛出生嘛。他美得令人沉醉：他手腕上的褶皺像是美麗的手鐲，他哭起來(lái)聲音像只小羔羊。我的心中充滿(mǎn)了決心、希望和關(guān)愛(ài)的全新感覺(jué)。他出生后的最初幾個(gè)月，我們過(guò)著日夜顛倒的日子——白天像是黑夜，黑夜像是白天。當(dāng)睡眠時(shí)間最終恢復(fù)正常時(shí)，我又開(kāi)始上班了。我的西服套裝變得緊繃了，腦子里惦記的全是他。我在冰涼、灰暗的洗手間隔間里擠母乳。

他開(kāi)始長(zhǎng)牙了。嬰兒奶瓶換成了固體食物。他指著座椅上方高高掛在墻上的時(shí)鐘，說(shuō)：“Clock (鐘)?！边@是他會(huì)說(shuō)的第一個(gè)詞，說(shuō)的時(shí)候還發(fā)不出“l(fā)”的音，這逗得我笑開(kāi)了懷。很快他便會(huì)走路，會(huì)蹦來(lái)蹦去，也會(huì)躺在雪地里畫(huà)天使了。

我在單位里升了職，更難抽出時(shí)間來(lái)陪他玩耍和看醫(yī)生了。我會(huì)趁午飯時(shí)間閱讀關(guān)于撫養(yǎng)、教育和激勵(lì)孩子的書(shū)。他在保姆的幫助下給我的公司打電話(huà)?！皨寢?zhuān)彼f(shuō)，“我正在給你做禮物呢?！?/p>

牙仙也很快來(lái)訪(fǎng)，并給他留下了手寫(xiě)的便條。他學(xué)會(huì)了“誰(shuí)在敲門(mén)”的笑話(huà)，也學(xué)會(huì)了加法、減法和看書(shū)識(shí)字。他用大塊的樂(lè)高玩具搭建高大的城堡，在鄉(xiāng)間小道上騎锃亮的自行車(chē)，雙腳還不踩在踏板上。

我辭了工作，開(kāi)始做自由撰稿人——從培訓(xùn)項(xiàng)目材料到營(yíng)銷(xiāo)手冊(cè)再到散文，我無(wú)所不寫(xiě)——而工作時(shí)間通常是在全家都上床睡覺(jué)之后。掙多少錢(qián)都永遠(yuǎn)不夠花，但至少我們有充足的時(shí)間在一起了。

每個(gè)周六晚上，我們都在家共度家庭好時(shí)光。他愛(ài)玩無(wú)數(shù)種運(yùn)動(dòng)項(xiàng)目。他嘗試了棒球、足球和賽跑，然后無(wú)可救藥地迷上了籃球。他在樹(shù)枝間飛來(lái)蕩去；打扮成超級(jí)英雄的樣子；開(kāi)始迷戀女孩，擇朋交友和體驗(yàn)狂熱。

我在他的學(xué)校當(dāng)志愿者：剪剪貼貼、讀書(shū)撫育、募集資金、充當(dāng)督導(dǎo)。我熱愛(ài)這份工作。

睡前故事一講起來(lái)就沒(méi)個(gè)完，所有事兒他都要問(wèn)十萬(wàn)個(gè)為什么，還老以為床底下藏著怪獸。他玩的樂(lè)高玩具的塊頭變小了，但是搭建的城堡結(jié)構(gòu)卻更加復(fù)雜精巧。他彈吉他，吹長(zhǎng)號(hào)，攢零錢(qián)買(mǎi)電子游戲，收集交換卡片，并把它們存放在床底下的一個(gè)鞋盒子里。

我們養(yǎng)了一條狗。他全心全意地愛(ài)著它。它也一樣愛(ài)著他。

有一天，他的個(gè)頭超過(guò)了我，接著仿佛一眨眼的工夫又超過(guò)了他爸爸。

他讀了一位體育專(zhuān)欄作家的一篇文章，這在他心中燃起了一把火。他開(kāi)始自己寫(xiě)東西，在我同時(shí)為好幾個(gè)撰稿任務(wù)忙得四腳朝天時(shí)，溜達(dá)進(jìn)我的辦公室請(qǐng)我閱讀。

成為他的讀者讓我覺(jué)得很榮幸。

摘掉牙套，他的牙齒整齊潔白如珍珠。他人生的第一筆工資是當(dāng)棒球裁判掙來(lái)的，雖然他希望那是一筆稿酬。

他學(xué)會(huì)了洗衣服、打掃浴室、做意大利面，雖然他經(jīng)?？诳诼暵曊f(shuō)自己已把這三項(xiàng)技能忘得一干二凈。

他長(zhǎng)成了18歲的大小伙兒。

在一個(gè)選舉日，天氣很冷，又下著雨，我們一起出門(mén)去投票。排隊(duì)等了兩小時(shí)后，他是現(xiàn)場(chǎng)所能看到的唯一一個(gè)十幾歲的年輕人。這一經(jīng)歷也讓他有所收獲——第二天清早他便已將見(jiàn)聞心得付諸筆端。

他得到了一份撰寫(xiě)博客的工作，后來(lái)又創(chuàng)建了自己的網(wǎng)站。與此同時(shí)，他學(xué)習(xí)宏觀經(jīng)濟(jì)學(xué)、物理學(xué)，并完成了大學(xué)申請(qǐng)。

回憶的動(dòng)畫(huà)書(shū)翻到了最后幾頁(yè)。

在過(guò)去的18年中，我一直把自己定位為一個(gè)母親。但現(xiàn)在我又是誰(shuí)呢？我看著鏡中的自己。在我摸索著幫助他豐滿(mǎn)羽翼的時(shí)候，我忘了自己的那一雙翅膀也需要豐滿(mǎn)。我能為自己的人生找到新的目標(biāo)，把愛(ài)轉(zhuǎn)移到其他方向嗎？

在成為母親之前，我是一個(gè)女兒，內(nèi)心充滿(mǎn)著力量，還有那種確信總有父母守護(hù)而體會(huì)到的安心。但是我已經(jīng)無(wú)法回到做女兒的時(shí)代了。我現(xiàn)在只能靠自己。

人生的目標(biāo)——無(wú)論是我的、你的還是任何人的——到底是需要?jiǎng)e人培養(yǎng)才會(huì)形成，還是本來(lái)就根植于我們的內(nèi)心？

我很快就會(huì)把這兩種相互對(duì)抗的理論放到實(shí)踐中檢驗(yàn)。

當(dāng)我坐下來(lái)寫(xiě)這篇文章的時(shí)候，我收到了他的短信：你在哪兒？

“在這兒。”我回復(fù)道。

至少此刻還是這樣。

1.matter [#712;maelig;t#601;(r)] n. [表示數(shù)量]近似值，近似量

2.flip book：手翻書(shū)，又名動(dòng)畫(huà)手翻書(shū)，指包含多張連續(xù)動(dòng)作圖片的書(shū)，當(dāng)快速翻動(dòng)該書(shū)時(shí)，書(shū)里的圖片就像變成了動(dòng)畫(huà)。

3.reverberate [r#618;#712;v#604;#720;b#601;re#618;t] vi. 發(fā)出回聲

4.elusive [i#712;lu#720;s#618;v] adj. 難以捉摸的，難以抓住的

5.clichéd [kli#643;e#618;d] adj. 陳腐的，陳詞濫調(diào)的

6.intoxicating [#618;n#712;t#594;ks#618;ke#618;t#618;#331;] adj. 醉人的，迷人的

7.topsy-turvy [#716;t#594;psi#712;t#604;#720;vi] adj. 顛倒的，亂七八糟的

8.pediatrician [#716;pi#720;di#601;#712;tr#618;#643;n] n. 兒科醫(yī)師

9.tooth fairy：牙仙，美國(guó)民間傳說(shuō)的人物。傳說(shuō)小孩掉乳牙后將之放在枕頭底下，牙仙就會(huì)取走乳牙，并留下一定報(bào)酬給小孩。

10.knock-knock joke：西方小孩子經(jīng)常玩的一種問(wèn)答游戲。玩法大致如下：第一個(gè)人模仿有人敲門(mén)的樣子，說(shuō)：“Knock， knock.”第二個(gè)人則問(wèn)：“Who’s there?”第一個(gè)人說(shuō)出自己想好的一個(gè)單詞(比如Wendy)；第二個(gè)人重復(fù)第一個(gè)人的單詞并接著說(shuō)who (比如Wendy who)；第一個(gè)人則利用自己之前說(shuō)的單詞的諧音來(lái)變換自己表述的意思(比如When did he go)，以達(dá)到讓人感到意外的效果。

11.Lego：樂(lè)高，世界著名的兒童玩具品牌，其代表性產(chǎn)品為積木。此處用Lego指代樂(lè)高積木。

12.brochure [#712;br#601;#650;#643;#601;(r)] n. 小冊(cè)子

13.fall head over heels for：非常喜歡，著迷于

14.chaperone [#712;#643;aelig;p#601;r#601;#650;n] n. 在場(chǎng)監(jiān)護(hù)的年長(zhǎng)者，行為監(jiān)督人

15.trombone [tr#594;m#712;b#601;#650;n] n. 長(zhǎng)號(hào)

16.trading card：交換卡片，用卡紙或厚紙制成的小卡片。卡片上通常印著某個(gè)特定的人物、地方或事件，并配有相應(yīng)的簡(jiǎn)短說(shuō)明。

17.juggle [#712;d#658;#652;ɡl] vt. 同時(shí)做(兩件或兩件以上的事情)

18.orthodontics [#716;#596;#720;θ#601;#712;d#594;nt#618;ks] n. 畸齒矯正術(shù)，常在治療過(guò)程中用到牙套。

19.scrub [skr#652;b] vt. 清洗

20.be lost on：對(duì)……沒(méi)有影響，對(duì)……不起作用

21.rechannel [#716;ri#720;#712;t#643;aelig;nl] vt. 使轉(zhuǎn)移，使改道