書面表達(dá)練與析

亞　玲

假如你叫李明，是一名中學(xué)生。請(qǐng)根據(jù)下圖，向21st Century英語報(bào)投稿，反映中學(xué)生近視的普遍性，并呼吁注意用眼衛(wèi)生。

注意：1.字?jǐn)?shù)：100左右。2.信的開頭和結(jié)尾已寫好，不計(jì)入總字?jǐn)?shù)。

Dear editor,

_______________________________________

_______________________________________

Sincerely yours,

Li Ming

學(xué)生習(xí)作：

Dear editor,

At the① present more and more middle school students are becoming near-sighted, mainly because they pay a② little attention to protecting their eyes.

First, they read whenever it is. Sometimes they read in the sun and sometimes they read in poor light. Besides, they read in③ everywhere. They read while walking or taking a bus. Sometimes, they even read as they are having meal④. Whats worse, some students are used to reading in bed. As a result, many students have trouble with their eyes, which do⑤ harm to their study and life.

In the eyes of me, middle school students shouldnt be so carelessly⑥ about their eyes. Dear editors, I hope you to⑦ do something to stop this and try to make them know the importance of protecting their eyes.

Sincerely yours

Li Ming

修改說明：①at present為固定短語，應(yīng)去掉the。②attention不可數(shù)，因此應(yīng)去掉a。③everywhere為副詞，前面不可加介詞，應(yīng)去掉in。④meal為可數(shù)名詞，根據(jù)語境邏輯meal應(yīng)改為復(fù)數(shù)形式meals。⑤先行詞為整個(gè)主句，應(yīng)視為單數(shù)，因此do應(yīng)改為does。⑥此處做表語，應(yīng)用形容詞形式，因此carelessly應(yīng)改為careless。⑦h(yuǎn)ope后面不可接不定式做賓語補(bǔ)足語，因此to應(yīng)改為can或will。

點(diǎn)評(píng)： 習(xí)作者用凝重嚴(yán)肅的口吻介紹了中學(xué)生不注意用眼衛(wèi)生的嚴(yán)重現(xiàn)狀，道出自己盼望編輯老師早日采取措施，提高中學(xué)生保護(hù)視力意識(shí)的迫切心情。First, Besides, Whats worse, As a result, In the eyes of me等過渡性詞匯的使用增強(qiáng)了文章的連貫性和邏輯性。原因狀語從句、讓步狀語從句、并列句、時(shí)間狀語從句、定語從句等高級(jí)表達(dá)方式的運(yùn)用增強(qiáng)了文章的表達(dá)效果，提高了文章的表達(dá)檔次。所有這些給文章增添了亮麗的色彩。然而遺憾的是，文章也存在一些不足之處，出現(xiàn)了一些語言表達(dá)上的錯(cuò)誤，如冠詞錯(cuò)誤、介詞錯(cuò)誤、名詞單復(fù)數(shù)錯(cuò)誤、主謂語一致錯(cuò)誤、形容詞副詞混用錯(cuò)誤、非謂語動(dòng)詞錯(cuò)誤，表明習(xí)作者語言表達(dá)能力還不夠成熟，有待于今后進(jìn)一步提高。然而，從總體上講本文不失為一篇成功之作，值得廣大讀者學(xué)習(xí)。

參考答案：

Dear editor,

At present more and more middle school students are becoming near-sighted, mainly because they pay little attention to protecting their eyes.

First, they read whenever it is. Sometimes they read in the sun and sometimes they read in poor light. Besides, they read everywhere. They read while walking or taking a bus. Sometimes, they even read as they are having meals. Whats worse, some students are used to reading in bed. As a result, many students have trouble with their eyes, which does harm to their study and life.

In the eyes of me, middle school students shouldnt be so careless about their eyes. Dear editors, I hope you can do something to stop this and try to make them know the importance of protecting their eyes.

Sincerely yours

Li Ming